Closer Than This
by MR.Zacefron
Summary: Troy and Ryan share a secret relationship, no strings attached, until feelings begin to surface them selves. but is it too late? Troy and Ryan are both with other people,and Gabbi has a little surprise for Troy, one that will change his life...forever.
1. slezy motel

Chapter 1

So hey. Um I really just had a weird feeling that I wanted to do a high school musical that was a little…different. It's a little darker than my other two stories, but it's still kinda High school. I hope you like it. And no, I'm not done with my other story "kiss the years goodbye", I'll be writing both of them at the same time. I just couldn't stop thinking about this 'secret lovers' story, so yeah, tell me what you think.

Luv ya

Troy's p.o.v

I quickly glance around before stepping out of my car. After I know for sure the coast is clear, I open the door. Ryan's car is already parked in front of the motel. I reach into my pocket and pull out the small piece of paper, the room number is written on. 108. I quickly walk up the steel stairs of the sleazy motel. I glance at the doors as I rush past them. 106, 107…108. I gently knock on the door three times. I hear the scuffling feet rush to the door. Ryan swings it open and nods. He doesn't smile, we never smile. Because smiling would be showing that we like this. That we like the situation we're in, our secret meetings. Ryan pulls me into the room and our lips immediately connect. I kick the door shut as I get pulled to the bed. Ryan pulls away and takes his shirt off. For some reason, I stop this time, I watch him undress, I admire his body. He unbuttons his pants and let's them slide down his legs. He's about to get completely naked when he stops and notices, I'm still fully clothed.

"What are you waiting for?" he ask

I come back to reality and shake my head. He waits for me. I quickly throw my jersey and shorts to the ground. Ryan lays on the bed, and I drape my body over his. His skin, still soft after all these years. He latches his arms around my shoulders. I place my lips to his once more, making sure to avoid his eyes. If I look into his eyes for to long, I'll never want to stop and it'll drive me insane. Those beautiful blue eyes. His eyes are closed and I can tell he feels the same way, afraid to look into my eyes, afraid he'll see something neither one of us can deny any longer…love. Pull my self away from Ryan and stand up. I pull Ryan to the edge of the bed and spread his legs. He licks his pink lips as he lets me pull his underwear down to his ankles. I'm already naked, seeing as how I don't wear anything after I shower and leave practice. Ryan licks his palm and begins the frustrating process. Within seconds, I'm inside of him and the bed shakes from our movement. As I watch Ryan's body move limply from my thrust, I wonder how much longer this will last. How much longer will me and Ryan have to meet up at different places and do this. How much longer can we use each other as a scapegoat for our own confusion? Why are we like this? Why must we hide the way we feel? Years ago at his birthday, I would have never guessed it would end up this far. I never would have imagined it would end up with us agreeing that what we had was just sexual and that we would never have a serious relationship. Ever since that one night of drunken love that was shared on his bed, we both decided it would be best if we only touched when it was necessary. No holding hands, no dates, just our bodies becoming one, only every once in awhile. Every once in awhile became, once a week, which became twice a week, which became every day after basketball practice. So now here we are, together in some sleazy motel in the middle of no where. That's how it is, always in the middle of no where. We can't risk being caught. Ryan moans and it makes me go faster. I thrust harder as Ryan pulls me close to him by my shoulders. He looks into my eyes, something he's never done before. My mouth hangs open as I try to steady my breaths. He removes one of his hands from my shoulder and places it onto my back. He pushes me into him, farther. I'm almost done, I can feel myself swelling. The lack of condom allows Ryan to feel me finish inside of him. I thrust twice more before collapsing on top of Ryan. He places his hand on the back of my head and strokes my hair.

"What are you doing tonight?" I pant into his ear

He pushes me away. He pulls away from me and crawls from the bed.

"You know, Jason's coming over" he says as he reaches for his clothes.

I begin to pick up my discarded uniform.

"I know, but I just thought…well, Ryan we're eighteen and we've been doing this for like, what, almost three years?" I say

"It'll be three years in five months" he says "but what are you getting at?"

He continues to put on his clothes, completely ignoring my face.

"My point is…maybe it's time this turned into more" I say

He stops getting dressed, leaving him in his shirt and boxers, as I stand there, still completely nude. He takes a deep breath and finally looks into my eyes.

"Troy, you're just saying that because we just had sex" he says

"No, I'm saying what I've been feeling for about a year now" I say

He scoffs and rolls his eyes.

"Swell time to tell me now, Troy" he mocks.

He goes back to putting on his pants. I've lost him; I thought he actually might agree with me for a second, I was wrong. He buttons his pants and quickly zips them up. He ducks into the bathroom to make sure he doesn't look guilty of the crime we just committed. He grabs his keys from the small square table. I throw on my jersey and shorts. I hold my shoes in my hand. Ryan walks over to me. I expect him to lean in for a kiss, but he just stares. Please, say it. Say you love me, say you wanna be with be, tell me you feel the same way I do. Tell me, or it's over.

"Same time tomorrow?" he suggest

Damn, I wanna say no and turn to leave, but I can't risk losing him again.

"Yeah" I say in a barely audible whisper.

He smiles and places his hand on the side of my face.

"Everything you feel is just your hormones" he says

I put my hand on his and shake my head.

"No it's not, but it doesn't matter anyway right? We just fuck, that's it…right?" I ask

I sling his hand away from my face, his face twist into confusion. He looks shocked.

"Troy, it's not like that" he says "if you can't handle this then just say so and we'll stop"

No, I don't wanna stop, I never wanna stop, I just…I want more. I open my mouth to explain, but I quickly close it, he wouldn't understand.

"Just forget it" I say

He nods his head and glances at his watch. His eyes light up.

"Jason should be waiting at my house by now" he says as he walks over to the door and swings it open.

He stops and turns back to me.

"Why don't you see how Gabriella is? I bet she misses you" he says

"I just saw her during lunch" I respond

"Well, the hospital is a lonely place; a few hours can feel like eternity. Especially when you're away from the person you love" he says with a smile

I want to answer; I want to keep him with me, if only for a fraction of a second, but I can't. He ended the conversation.

"Okay" I nod

He smiles

"Great, I'll see you tomorrow" he says

He steps out side and leaves the door open, but instead of following him, I sit on the table and my head shakes on its own. Why? Why in the hell did I have to fall for him, why now? After almost three years of just sex, why did I have to admit that I loved him? Why is my love for Gabriella, quickly fading? Especially if she's sick, I should be worried, which I am, but I should also be driving myself crazy. I should be constantly thinking about her and wanting her, but instead, all I can think about is Ryan.

So please review! I know this is a little different, as far as story lines go, but hey, if you never try anything new than you'll never get anywhere! Please review.

Luv ya


	2. cold house

Chapter 2

Ryan's p.o.v

I fumble with my keys as I try to open my front door. Troy's words still pollute my thoughts. God what an ass! How can he just spring these emotions on me! After damn near three years of me bottling up the feeling I had for Troy, after three years of me having to cry in my car about not being able to have Troy for my own. Three years of being jealous of Gabriella, because she had the man I loved. And now, after I finally got over Troy and I finally stopped telling myself that one day we would be together, he tells me wants us to go further. How can he just expect me to drop Jason and run to him? I love Jason…I think, maybe, no. I don't love him, I know I don't, but right now he's what I need. Someone to love me and who isn't afraid to show it, no matter who's around. Not someone like Troy, who hides us. Jason loves me, and I can't leave him, not now, after two solid years of dating. It wouldn't be right and it wouldn't be fair. I finally get my door open and step inside. The cool air that once felt like a welcoming sign of home now is a hit in the face, bringing me back to reality. Forget Troy. Is Troy the one waiting for you in your room? No.

"Jason?" I call as I run up my stairs.

The house is quiet and I know that we'll be alone tonight. I hear Jason scuffle around in my room.

"Jay, I'm home" I say as I walk down the long hallway towards my room.

I reach my bedroom door and slowly open it. It's completely dark, and Jason is no where in sight. I could've sworn I just heard him. I reach for my light, but my hand is quickly swatted away and I feel a tight grip on my neck, I'm pushed to the bed and the light flick s on. Jason stands over me, smiling. I quickly get up and hit his arm.

"You ass! You scared the shit out of me!" I almost yell

He grabs me and embraces my small frame. He places a small kiss on my forehead.

"I'm sorry" he laughs

"whatever" I say

"don't be mad" he says

"well I am" I say, trying to sound angry

I pull away from him and turn to my bed, I fall face first and let out a low sigh. Jason lays next to me.

"Hard rehearsal?" he ask

I turn my head, so that I can see him. His big brown eyes and warm smile. I stretch my head forward and kiss him. How could I continue to lie to him? As much as I love having Troy, whenever I please, it eats me alive every time I see Jason. I quickly sit up, ripping my mouth away from the sweet kiss. Jason slowly sits up as well.

"Okay" he says "so what's wrong?"

I can't tell him the truth, it would destroy him, and it would destroy us. I turn my head slightly just enough to see Jason's eyes, his beautiful eyes.

"Nothing" I lie "just, well, yeah hard rehearsal"

He nods his head. He crawls behind me and gets to his knees. He firmly places his hands on my shoulders and begins to grind his palms.

"Hmmm, thank you" I say as he moves the massage lower.

"No problem" he says as he kisses the back of my neck. "So tell me all about it"

Oh shit. Think Evans, think. I close my eyes for second, distract him. I let out a small moan and turn to Jason, once again ripping away from Jason's affection. Once we're face to face I lean in and kiss his small lips.

"I really don't feel like reliving it again" I say "let's not talk at all"

A huge smile spreads across Jason's face.

"Sounds like a great idea" he says

I let myself smile, even though I feel as though I'm being killed on the inside. I let Jason lay me on my back and lift my shirt above my head. I let him leave a trail of soft kisses down my stomach. I let him pull down my pants, slowly. He's nothing like Troy, not at all. He doesn't jump on top of me and force himself everywhere; he doesn't thrust into me with out a care about how it might feel to me. Jason kisses me, on the lips, on the check on the neck, everywhere. Jason makes sure I'm okay before he lets his hands slid into the front of my pants. Jason respects when I say no and doesn't mind when I just want him to hold me. Jason is the one I love, I love Jason, and I love Jason. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, then it'll come true. Jason pulls his hands from my pants and I immediately miss his warmth. I have my eyes mostly closed, but there opened enough to see Jason bite his bottom lip as he tries to make a choice. Here it goes. He begins to unzip my pants and the all too familiar cold air surrounds my bare legs. Jason stands up and quickly rips his shirt off. I open my eyes; I can't resist staring at Jason's body. His muscular chest leading down to his well kept abs, god he's got a great body. Great, but not as good as…..STOP! Stop thinking about Troy! God, Jason is about to try to have sex with you and all you can do is compare him to Troy? Jason lays his naked body on mine. He presses his lips to mine. I can tell by his eyes, that he's about to ask the same question he ask every night, and he's about to get the same lie.

"Ryan, baby, have you though about what we talked about?" he ask

I let out a sigh and he closes his eyes.

"I get it" he says

"Jason" I plead

I don't wanna hurt him. But if I let him get what he's asking for, then it'll only connect us in another way, a stronger way. And it'll only hurt him in the end.

"No, it's cool. I understand you wanna keep your virginity, go it" he says with a smile.

He kisses my forehead gently.

"I'll wait, you know I'll wait" he says

And I can't help it, tears sting my eyes and I try hard to hold them back, but I can't. I let them flow down the sides of my face. Jason looks lost. He doesn't know how lost he is. How sick I am, to us him, just because I want to be needed. He has no idea how caught up he is in the middle of a twisted cycle of lies. Jason quickly lifts himself off of me.

"What did I do?" he asks quickly.

I open my mouth to explain but all that comes out is a low gasp for air. I sit up and jump from the bed. I push past Jason and run to the nearest bathroom. I slam the door and turn on the light. I look into the mirror. Look at your self, you're disgusting, you're hurting the only man who loves you and your doing it over a guy who has no fucking idea what he wants from life. You're becoming a monster…you are a monster. The tears are heavier and I can't seem to keep my mouth shut long enough to stop sobbing. The door swings open and Jason rushes in. His first action is to grab my wrist; he checks them for any marks. He finds none and the anger fades from his face. He now looks lost again, so lost.

"I don't understand" he says

I shake my head. He grabs me tightly and the tears keep flowing, how can he make me feel so right in a situation so wrong? How can a simple hug make me feel as though everything will be fine? The well of tears dry up and I'm left in Jason's arms, doing nothing, not crying not sobbing, if I didn't see my own chest moving up and down against Jason in the mirror, then I wouldn't even be sure I was breathing. Jason looks into the mirror and notices I'm not crying. He pulls slightly away and grabs my chin. He tilts my head up.

"You okay?" he ask

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine" I lie

He smiles.

"You scared the shit out of me" he says

"Well that's payback for earlier" I say

He lets out a rough laugh and presses his lips to mine. I grab the back of his neck and let him slip his tongue into my mouth. Jason's kissing me, Jason's holding me, Jason's comforting me, but all I can think about…it Troy.

I hope you liked it, next chappie will visit Troy. So, yeah chappie 3 should be up tomorrow.

Luv ya


	3. the auditorium

Chapter 3

Troy's p.o.v

Okay, you have every right to be in the auditorium as he does. No, that sounds mean. Um, alright, you just wanted to stop by and say hi to him. That sounds dumb. I stop my walking towards the auditorium. I try hard to think of a reason that I'm going to see Ryan. I wish I could just tell him that I love him. But that would drive him away, and I can't afford to lose him, not now. So when I walk into the auditorium and find him with Jason and Sharpay, I'll just tell him that I was coming to see Ms. Darbus. Yeah, that'll work. I reach the red doors and stop. I close my eyes and try to gather as much of me as I possibly can. Why is he doing this to me? How could he let me have him in bed, and feel nothing when it's all over? A part of me wishes that he would tell me how he can ignore those feelings, so I can too. But a larger part of me wants him to tell me how he feels. The truth. Not once has he denied the fact that he might feel something more for me, he always changes the subject. I want to push him to answer me, but I know that when cornered, he'll take the easy way out, so I keep my mouth shut. I slowly open the door and make my way inside. Sure enough, Ryan's sitting on the stage next to Sharpay, while Jason sits in the front row, dribbling a basketball against the carpet. I let the door announce me as it slams behind me. Ryan and Sharpay shoot there heads up. Sharpay puts her hand over her eyes to block the light from above her.

"Can I help you?" she ask

I wave at her, hoping that it will signal who I am. I don't wanna talk, just seeing Ryan makes me want to burst open and declare the way I feel for him. Sharpay squints for awhile and then a smile appears.

"Troy. What are you doing in here?" she ask

I continue to make my way down the aisle, staring at Ryan, completely ignoring Sharpay, something that usually would get anyone else killed. But Sharpay knows about me and Ryan, well, she kind of knows. She knows that I like Ryan and she knows that if I ever broke up with Gabriella for anyone, it would be Ryan. Ryan stares back at me, no smile is on his face. But I already knew he would be pissed, I'm ready to pay for my actions later today at my house. I'm about to open my mouth to spit out my excuse, when Ryan is blocked from my sight of vision, by Jason. He smiles at me as I almost run into his chest. I try my hardest to smile. I think of Ryan, coming over to my house after school today, which is rare. We never meet this close to school. But my mom's gone for a week and my dad's going to a bar with his friend, who just got married. It's kinda funny actually; my dad's not much of a drinker. I thin about what I and Ryan will do on, MY bed…and I smile.

"What's up?" Jason ask

"What?" I ask, snapping back to reality.

He tilts his head slightly.

"What do you want? Does the coach need me?" he asks

Oh Jason, you naïve boy, I'm not here for you. I'm here for your boyfriend. I slowly nod my head.

"I uh, came here for, uh…Darbus." I say

Lying isn't one of my best skills.

"Oh" he says as he moves from in front of me.

Ryan's standing up and is staring directly at me. He motions for me to come to him. I quickly run up the few steps and walk over to Ryan.

"She's in her office, I'll take you. I have to stop by there anyway" he says "come on"

I give a quick nod to Jason and flash a smile to Sharpay, and me and Ryan make are way upstage towards the door. We both wait until we're in the back hallway before I slam him against the wall and ram my mouth to his. His tongue glides along my mouth. His hands stay at his sides. No hugging, hugging leads to cuddling, which leads to comfort, which leads to conversation which leads to emotions, which would mean we would have to reveal our true feelings, and neither one of us can handle that. But I can't help it; I have to break this rule. I pull Ryan from the wall, keeping our lips connected. I slowly spin around so that it's my back that's against the wall. I wrap my arms around his waist. He quickly pushes away and hits me in the chest, quite hard.

"Ouch" I say

Bringing my hand to my chest, there's no pain; it's just a natural reaction. His breathing is a little fast.

"What was that about?" he asks

"What?" I ask

"What do you want? I'm gonna see you in like two hours, can't you wait?" He ask

I look him in the eyes; does he feel the way I do? Is he hiding all his true feelings in his eyes? He turns his head, blocking me from looking into his eyes. I grab his chin and turn his head to me; I lean in and kiss him lightly on the lips.

"I'm sorry" I say "I just can't stop thinking about you, today"

He pulls away and crosses his arms and shakes his head.

"No, Troy. It's not just today, it's every day" he says

"Is there something wrong with that?" I snap

"YES!" he says "There's something very wrong with it."

"What, what's wrong with wanting to be with you" I say

"Well, I have a boyfriend, and…you have Gabriella" he says

No, that's not it. I can tell by how slowly he let his words slip out of his beautiful mouth. He could care less if I had a girlfriend, and he goes through guys like it's nothing. That's not it. He just doesn't want to admit it. I can't really blame him.

"Do you get it?" he asks "We just wouldn't work"

"How do you know?" I ask

That was a prepared answer. We wouldn't work? Come on, give me something that hasn't been said to every ex girlfriend of my life. He bites his bottom lip lightly as he tries to think of an answer. I grab his shoulders tightly. He looks up at me. I open my mouth to speak but he begins to shake his head.

"Please don't" he pleads "Please don't say it."

"Ryan" I say

"No, Troy don't do this, it'll only make things worst. Is that what you want? Things are fine as it is, don't fuck it up now" he says

I let go of his shoulders. Why is he fighting it? If he doesn't love me, then he shouldn't care if I say I love him.

"Ryan, tell me you don't feel the same way" I say

His face goes blank. Oh no, I've pushed him too far. He backs away.

"Yes, I did feel the same way, once" he said

"Once?" I ask

"Yeah, but seeing how happy you were with Gabriella, made me realize it's time to move on." He says

"And now you have Jason" I say

He nods his head.

"Speaking of which, I better get back out there" he turns back to the door and pushes it open.

"Ryan" I say, before he let's the door shut.

He turns around and raises an eyebrow.

"See you this afternoon?" I ask

He nods and let's the door slam. Great, I haven't completely lost him. I think about which way to go to get to the Gym quicker. Left. I quickly spin around and turn the left corner. I'm so glad that Ryan's still coming over, but what I see makes all my happiness fades.

"Care to explain yourself, Troy?"

So tell me what you thought. Sorry if it's moving a little slow, or seems as though it has no plot, I just wanted to start off by showing you a regular day in the life of Troy and Ryan. But during the next Chapter, everything will start to speed up. REVIEW.

Luv ya.


	4. Heated Home

Chapter 4

Ryan's p.o.v

I let my knuckles touch the large oak door, only twice. My knocks were soft, maybe he won't hear the door and I can leave. I can get in my car and yell at him the next day at school about standing me up. Then we would never speak to each other again and it would all be over. I would never have to deal with this fucked up state of mind, right now. I wouldn't have to decide if Troy was serious about feeling the way he does about me, or if he's just lonely, and desperate to attach himself to anyone that shows him the least bit of interest. I could just stay with Jason and be faithful to him, and we would live our own little pseudo happy world. But fate doesn't work that way and unfortunately the door swung open, rather quickly. Troy stood in the doorway, smiling. Once again, breaking one of our unspoken rules. That rule was one of the most important ones, especially for me. But Troy knows that, that's why he did it, he smiled because he knew I would naturally smile back. That bastard. The smile quickly faded from my lips, once I realized I'd been tricked. Troy grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. Once in, I noticed the house wasn't changed at all. It even had the same smell, the smell of warmth and comfort, a smell my house could never hold, not for long. I make my way towards the stairs, but I feel Troy's hand grab mine and pull my back.

"Um, we kinda have something else to handle today" he says

I raise an eyebrow. What is talking about? Handle what, oh god, I hope I don't have to kick someone's ass, not today. Troy leads me to his oversized living room. I glance around to see what could be more important than having me. Troy nods to the corner of the room. I follow his glance to the small white leather love seat. Sitting there, seeming all too comfortable in someone else's house, was Taylor. She tilts her head slightly and gives me a tooth achingly sweet smile.

"I'm lost" I say

"Well, uh… she knows" Troy almost whispers, as if it's a secret to anyone in the room.

"What!" I say, as more of a statement than a question

"Well, she overheard us in the hallway today" He says as he looks down

Yeah that's right, you better look down. You should defiantly be ashamed. Because of your stupid little stunt, I'M gonna have to pay. Great, just fucking great. I turn my attention back to Taylor. She's still smiling, as she twirls a piece of her long dark hair around her finger.

"So, I guess there's no way you could totally forget about all of this." I suggest

Her smile grows bigger and she shakes her head slowly.

"No way in hell" she says

There's always been something about Taylor that intimidates me, which is pretty hard to do. Maybe it's the way she carries herself, the way her hips move when she walks or the way, no matter what the weather is, her hair is always perfect. Ugh, bitch. Or maybe it's just the aura she gives off. I think she gains confidence by using her intelligence to make those around her feel slightly challenged. Whatever it was…I hated and envied it, all at once.

"What does she want?" I ask Troy, trying my hardest not to focus on the girl in the corner.

He mumbles something incoherently, while staring at his feet. I grab his chin and lift his head upwards. His eyes are dark at the moment.

"What?" I ask

"I said she hasn't told me yet, she was waiting on you to show up" he says

I clench my teeth together and turn my head to Taylor.

"What could you possibly want from me?" I ask

"Simple, just tell Kelsi that you two are going out" She says

Once again, I'm in the dark

"Why?" I ask

Why would she possibly want me to tell the one girl in school who I never speak to, that I sleep with Troy Bolton? Why would she care? It's not like she's a gossip whore or anything. The lack of reasoning builds my suspicions even more.

"Well if I told you now, it wouldn't be any fun." She smiles

I turn to look at Troy; once again his feet seem to be more amusing than the situation at hand. How could he be so…weak? God, he could have just told her that what she heard was nothing and if she opened her mouth, he would deny it. It would've been his word against hers and at East high, what Troy Bolton says is law. So why would he let her go as far as coming into his house and make threats? What kind of leash could she possibly have Troy on? You know what; since Troy is obviously not gonna do this anytime soon, then I'll just get it over with.

"Get out" I say in a tired voice

She quickly hops up; she knew it was coming eventually. The inevitable dismissal, followed by a door slamming. She grabs her purse and walks over to Troy.

"I'll see you later, Troy. I'm gonna go visit Gabriella, you remember her, right?" she says "You know, your girl friend…the one that's in the HOSPITAL. Am I making any sort of connection here?"

She taps Troy's head as if to make sure he's alive. I feel like I should do the same thing. Can he not hear all the shit this girl is say? He must not, because the Troy I know would have said something, maybe even lost his temper. But this Troy? No, he doesn't do anything; he doesn't even look her in the eye. And why? Because of his precious little Gabriella.

"I better get going" she says as she fishes her keys from her purse "Me and Gabbs have a lot to talk about"

She glides past us and gets to the door. She stops as if she wants to turn around and say something, but lucky for us, she doesn't. She slowly opens the door and makes her way out. I can't move, I can't. Troy just sat there and took all of it, I mean sure I didn't say much of anything either, but this isn't my house and I could care less about who knows about us…besides Jason that is. Troy slowly moves his head up; almost as if he was making sure she was gone. He looks at me and I can see tears welling in his eyes. I reach up to his face, but he quickly pulls away.

"Don't look at me like this. I…I just need some time" he says

I grab my keys from my pocket.

"Well, I'll see you later" I say

He quickly extends his arm and grabs my shoulder.

"Please don't leave" he says

The tears roll down his face, but he still smiles. How can I say no? He wipes his face and lets out a low sigh. He glances at me and then the stairs and then me again. What a childish way to ask permission.

"It's okay Troy" I say

He grabs my hand and drags me to the stairs. In what seems like only a blink of an eye, I'm in his room. He quickly pulls his tee shirt above his head and tosses it into his dirty clothes basket. He slides his thumbs into the waist of his ripped jeans, and pushes them down his legs. He was prepared for this moment, I can tell by the condoms and the lube lying on his dresser. And then there's always the fact that he isn't wearing any under wear. Something I could never do. He flips his hair out of his eyes and walks over to me. I reach up to my buttons, to tedious process of undressing, but Troy swats my hand away. He smiles and moves in closer. For the third time in thirty minutes…I'm lost. He wraps his arms around me and lifts me from the ground. I have to smile. He takes me to his king sized mattress. Yes, king sized. I could only pray for a bed this big. But in the Bolton house hold…Troy was the king and he got treated like one. In my house, I'm the shadow and the pool boy is the only one who notices me. And that's only because the pool boy is Jason. Well, he needed a job, what can I say? The skimpy shorts were my idea, however. But it's not like he protested or anything. Troy lays my on my back and leans in close to me, he places a soft kiss on my lips. His hands busy themselves with figuring out how to undo my belt buckle. He pulls away from my lips and moves lower. He places his mouth over one of my buttons and within half a second, it's undone.

"Wow, great talent" I say

He laughs lightly

"Yeah if the whole basketball thing doesn't work out, this is my second career choice" he says

I smile and suppress a giggle. Guys shouldn't giggle. That's what I've been taught, and that's what I'm sticking to. Troy continues to move down from button to button. And that's when it hits me…he does really like me. If he didn't, he would have denied my, and he would be racing to get to the hospital before Taylor gets there. But he's not. He's here with me, and if it came down to it…I would have done the same, for Troy. Not Jason.

So tell me what you think. I hope you all like it. I haven't forgotten about K.T.Y.G (kiss the years goodbye) I'm just kinda stuck at the moment. But I will NOT leave it as is. Thank you to ALL my reviewers. Oh, and read Poison, if you haven't already. It's by Mondler4ever, I like it lot…so yeah, bye

Luv ya


	5. Tears of a GOD

Chapter 5

Troy's p.o.v

I could feel the blood rush to my face as I asked the question again.

"She doesn't wanna see me?" I ask again, hoping that I must have been mistaken

"I'm sorry Troy" Ms. Montez repeated

I took a low breath and asked the question, that I had been avoiding, because I already knew the answer.

"Did she tell you why?" I ask

Ms. Montez shakes her head gently.

"I told you, she only told me to make sure I tell you that she doesn't want to see you tonight" She says

"Right…well maybe if I can just see her…."

"Troy…she said no" She says

She glances down at her small watch.

"It's getting late, I better go to Gabriella now" She says

She places her hand on my shoulder, a sign of comfort.

"Troy, I'll talk to her, but for now don't worry about it. Go home get some sleep" She says

And just like that she leaves. I watch her walk through the big white doors, and down the pale green hallways. I keep my eyes on her as she turns the corner and disappears. I gotta get out of here. Ever since last year with Ryan, hospitals make me sick. And this hospital is the worst. The smell of cleaning products invades my senses, mixed with the constant crying from a wounded child, or the sobbing of an old woman waiting to find out if her husband survived his heart attack. I just can't take it in here. I quickly walk past the other rows of chairs and to the doors. They slide open quickly, but not quick enough. I rush out side, past the wheel chairs and the smokers outside. I don't stop until I get to my truck. I fumble with the keys before throwing them against the window. Fuck! Why do I fuck everything up? Why can't I just choose! Make a decision Troy, god for once in your life make a decision for yourself! You are fucking up, so bad right now. I close my eyes and try to search my mind for someone else to blame, like I usually do when a problem arises. I draw blanks. It's not Ryan's fault. He didn't start this relationship, I did. I was the one who approached Ryan, I was the one who couldn't stop calling him, and I was the one who chose to see Gabriella and Ryan at the same time. God, I'm so stupid! I knew I would have to pay for this eventually, but not now. I can't lose Gabriella, and I would die with out Ryan. Fuck. What the hell am I gonna do? God, dad's right, I'm an idiot. Well sitting here isn't gonna do anything about it. I reach down and grab my keys.

I have no idea where the hell I'm going, I'm not going home and I'm sure as hell not going over Chad's, Jason's there right now. So I just drive and think. I love Gabriella, with all my heart. And if anyone hurt her, I would die. I always told myself I would never be like my dad, a bad husband and worst father. I always told myself I would never let this relationship die; I would protect Gabriella from anyone who tried to hurt us. But now that the person is me, I'm lost. Life was so perfect until I saw Ryan. From the fist day of sixth grade, I had a weird feeling for him. Back then t scared me, so I would ignore him. Then I made the mistake of dating someone who looked exactly like him…Sharpay. I thought what I felt for Ryan would fade, but every year, he was the only one I really wanted to have every class. By the time I hit freshman year, I realized that the only way to lose the feeling was to act on it, once and for all. I would kiss Ryan Evans and then I would see how disgusting it was and I would never want to look at him again. Wrong. Getting Ryan alone was the easy part, getting him to let me kiss him was the hard part. I was under the illusion that all gay guys were attracted to all guys, gay or straight. I mean with straight guys, they are attracted to anything with breast, and two girls together…well that was the icing on the cake. So I was surprised when Ryan told me he doesn't go for straight guys and pushed his way past me. I was even more surprised that he didn't push me away when I grabbed his arm and pulled him to me, forcing my mouth onto his. I was shocked that he didn't try to fight me or the fact that my hand was quickly racing up his shirt. I can still see us, kissing hard against the red lockers in the locker-room. And the way Ryan jumped away from my grasp as the door swung open and Jason appeared. Who would have ever thought he would be the one who ended up with my Ryan. I mean, Ryan….just Ryan. I feel my lips curve into a smile and that's when I realize, Ryan is the only one that can make me smile at times like these. I need to go somewhere, I'm almost to the express way and I don't have enough gas to go downtown and back. I need to go to someone who can understand me and comfort me. Someone who can tell me that everything will be okay. I keep driving. Ryan is so important to me, but Gabriella is too. I remember everything about her. Her smell, the sweet kiss we shared at prom. The way she tried to be happy for me, when I was the spring fling king…again. And she was stuck on the student committee, serving punch…again. God, something about her made me feel so alive inside, the same way I feel when I'm….with Ryan. I can't be alone right now. I need to be with someone I love, so here I am, parked at the curb outside of the Evan's house.

Ryan's p.o.v

"I mean, is it really that bad?" Sharpay whines

"Well, look at it from his point of view. What if you found condoms in your daughter's room? And you already busted her sneaking him into your bedroom, four times." I say

Sharpay rolls her eyes and jumps off of my bed.

"Oh my god" she groans "So you agree with him?"

"No, no of course not, I'm just saying..."

I close my eyes and prepare myself for the punishment I was about to receive for saying this.

"Maybe you're over reacting?" I say, almost in a whisper

And sure enough, I feel a blow against my chest, catching me off guard and almost knocking me backwards off of my bed. Followed Sharpay loudly screaming at me.

"OVER REACTING? I'M NOT THE ONE OVER REACTING! HE'S THE ONE OVER REACTING!" She yells

She reaches for my phone on my table and throws it across my room. Why can't we ever have these talks in her room? I keep my mouth shut as she let's off more steam, yelling and cursing, not caring if our dad heard her. I wonder what Jason and Chad are doing right now. God I miss him already. The way his shaggy brown hair falls over his eyes when he sweats, or the way his blue eyes almost sparkle in the moonlight, the way his lips feel against mine. The way his body moves as he thrust inside of me and the way….wait…..that's Troy! Stop! God, you just saw Troy, can't you stop thinking about him for one second? It's starting again, my old habits. My old love for Troy Bolton. I refuse to go back to that place, that place of wanting him to see me the way he saw his girlfriends. I'm not going to do that to myself again, I'm not gonna let my heart yearn for him any more. Back then I would have died for Troy Bolton; I would have told him I loved him as soon as he said he loved me. I would have easily dumped Jason and flung myself into Troy's arms and we'd live happily ever after. Psh. How stupid was I? I remember the days when he didn't even used to talk to me, after we finished. He would just get dressed and live, like I was hooker, I was half expecting him to leave money on the night stand. Those were the days when I would cry and cut for him. The days were I would bleed for a man who didn't even acknowledge my presence in school. Now he loves me? Whatever. He doesn't know what love is, he's just a confused child, and I'm not the one to guide him. Even with all those facts and all my reasoning, I still can't let him go. God, I'm so damn weak, it's insane. I can't get him out of my system. I can't erase the image of him, naked, his body moving quickly on top of mine. His face, focused, determined to take get to the place he's at. His hands, the way they feel moving down my stomach and stopping at my

"RYAN!" Sharpay screams "Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes! I totally think you're right" I say

I've learned over the years that, that's the only thing Sharpay wants to hear. Just tell her she's always right, and never challenge her, and you'll get along great. Unfortunately for Sharpay, not everyone is as easily controlled as I am.

"Good, so go tell him" She says as she sits back on the edge of my bed.

"Wait, what?" I ask

I guess not paying attention has finally caught up with me. She doesn't turn around.

"Go tell dad that you think he's being a big baby about this whole situation." She says as she examines her nails.

Suddenly the door bell rings. Thank you god.

"I'll get it!" I say as I hop from the bed and race out of my room, into the hallway, past my dad watching T.V in his room and down the stairs. I place my hand on the door knob and take a deep breath. Don't wanna look too desperate for company. I slowly open the door. Troy stands there, his hair a mess and his eyes red, from crying I presume. He looks at me and I can see the tears welling up in his eyes once more. Oh god, I can't ignore the way he makes me feel anymore. I can't just leave him out side, alone. I step out of the doorway and onto the cold concrete. I gently shut the door behind me. I don't have to ask what's wrong, to know it's my fault. Troy quickly throws his arms around me. I don't have to think twice, before I wrap my arms around him. We embrace each other under the dim porch light. Troy's head rest against my shoulder, something that he's never done before.

"I love you" He says

I can't do this anymore! I can't pretend I hate Troy and that I only want his body and not every other part of him.

"I love you too" I say

I feel Troy's mouth open and I wait for him to respond, instead, I'm answered by an unfamiliar noise. A noise I haven't heard since I was laying in that hospital bed surrounded by everyone…even Taylor. A sound that makes my eyes water and brings back too many memories. That weird sound….Troy's crying.

Hey. So tell me what you think. Ugh, I just got a P.M from Efron's Girl. She told me she hated Slash and well, all that jazz. But whatever. She's a loser for wasting her time on something she hates. But any ways, I really need your reviews. I think I'll add little memories in each Chapter. So by the end, you'll know the story of how Troy and Ryan got to together, in its entirety.

Luv ya


	6. Low

Chapter 6

Hey, sorry for not updating K.T.Y.G, it's just that I'm kinda at a block and I felt as thought the story was beginning to focus more on Gabbi and Jason and less on Troy and Ryan. So I still plan on updating, I just don't know how soon, so yeah. Thanx to EVERYONE for reviewing or at least reading.

Luv ya

Ryan's p.o.v

I feel so disgusting. Here I am, sitting next Sharpay on the bleachers, staring down at the basketball team practice. All the time I've been sitting here, Jason has been waving and smiling as if I'm here for him. How low am I, to use Jason's practice as a way for me to see Troy? I'm dirt low, no I'm lower than dirt…I'm Taylor low. I glance over at Sharpay; she flips her hair out of her face as she blows Zeke yet another kiss. God, how I envy their relationship. They never seem to have any problems beside the occasional schedule clashing and Zeke getting caught sneaking into Sharpay's room. Other than that, they had it made. Why can't I be like them, some days I wish I were straight, just so I wouldn't have to deal with the constant problems of a gay relationship. But then I see Jason, coming out of my shower and well…I can't think of wanting anything more. The sound of the whistle almost makes me jump.

"Finally" Sharpay huffs as she stands and gathers her sheets of music we were going over.

Coach Bolton is rambling on about an up coming game; Troy leaves the small group and makes his way to the locker room. I guess when you're the star player; you don't have to stay for the post practice talk or whatever. The whistle blows once more and Chad's voice echoes through out the gym.

"WHAT TEAM?" He yells

"WILD CATS"

"WHAT TEAM?"

"WILD CATS"

"WILD CATS" He says

"GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME" The team finishes

"God, that's getting old" Sharpay says

"It's a tradition, Sharpay" I say

She rolls her eyes and begins the walk across the bleachers and down to the gym doors. I follow her, hoping that Troy won't run over to us. As usual, my miracle doesn't come and I feel Troy's arm sling around my shoulder.

"Hey, did you see that last shot?" He ask

I push his arm away quickly.

"What in the hell are you doing?" I snap

He looks confused. I hate that face; it makes me feel as though I'm taking advantage of him…which I am.

"I'm riding home with Jason" I say.

My words come out a little harsher than I meant them to be, but Troy got the message. He slowly nodded his head.

"Well, I'll see you at five?" he asks

"Of course" I say

I wait for him to smile, show me some type of sign that I'm not hurting you. He doesn't move, it's as though he's waiting for me to apologize or tell him that I was joking. So here we are staring at each other, waiting for something that's never gonna happen.

"Hey, you ready?" Jason ask

I whip around, to see that Sharpay's gone. Grade A sister. Jason looks at me for a little while, and then turns his head to Troy.

"Oh, was I interrupting something?" he ask

Damnit, Jason. Can't you see that me and Troy have something going on? Will you please stop being so fucking nice? Yell at me, dump me, hate me! Give me some type of motivation to run into Troy's arms, give me a reason to be guilt free when I'm with Troy. Stop being so trusting, can't you see I'm a horrible person and you deserve better? God, how could you be so blind!

"No" Troy says "Nothing at all"

"Troy" I say, trying to plead with him

But it's too late. He's gone. He doesn't look back as he rushes out of the gray gym doors.

What did do? I mean did he really think I was just gonna leave my boyfriend? Oh wait, does he think we're boyfriends? I mean, are we? I love him, but I'm with Jason. And it's not like he dumped Gabriella for me or anything like that, so why should I feel bad? I shouldn't…I don't. Jason grabs my hand and together we walk to the doors, past Coach Bolton, who watches with a look of disgust. I remember when Jason first came out last year and the way Coach Bolton would yell at him in the locker rooms before a game. And how he's call Jason's parents and tell him that they needed to talk to him. He's like a big child, and it pisses him off to see us together. If only he knew his own son is the one filling me with pleasure everyday, sometimes even on his on couch. I can't help but smile as I past him.

"Ryan, baby how long are you gonna do this to me?" Jason whines

"Excuse me?" I ask, pushing him off of me.

He lifts up so that he's straddling my hips. He places his hands on my bare chest.

"I mean, how long are you gonna get me hot like this and then stop me." He says "I mean, come on, I respect you wanna stay a virgin and all, but…I just wanna be with you, in you"

"Oh my god, you said you would wait" I say

My words are louder than they should be and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little happy that he's giving me a reason to be upset with him.

"Okay, alright I'm sorry" he says all in one breathe.

He's completely lost, and I can't say I feel too bad.

"Jason, I think it's time for you to go home" I say

He doesn't move. He stares at me, his face is confusing, and I can't tell if he's angry or hurt.

"Jason" I repeat

"No, I uh, I heard you" He says as he lifts his leg from my side and steps onto the floor.

He quickly reaches to the floor and grabs his jersey. He's moving too fast and he refuses to look at me.

"Jason" I say as I sit up and let my legs dangle from the bed.

He throws his hands up and shakes his head.

"I'm going as fast as I can" he says.

He finds his boxers and quickly runs them up his legs, followed by his white shorts. I jump from the bed and walk over to him. As much as I want this to be over, I can't stand to see him like this. He finds his shirt top and throws it over his shoulder. I try to catch him, but he's moving too fast, on purpose I would guess. He gets to the door and I reach my arms out to grab him. My arms latch around his shoulders and he doesn't move.

"Just tell me you want me to stay and I will" he says, his eyes still focused on the door.

Great, there he is again, being mister nice guy. I can't tell him to stay, because I don't want him to stay. If I were to turn him around and kiss his lips, if were to let him throw me on the bed and have his way, what would come of it? Hurt and pain, something I never want to feel again, and something I defiantly don't want Jason to feel. But if I let him go, he'll feel hurt anyway, but he won't even know why. Even he was fine and l let him leave, I could never tell him about Troy.

"Did you hear me?" He ask, turning his head slightly

"Yeah, I heard you" I say

Okay Ryan, you're about to hurt him, hope it's worth it. I slowly unwrap my arms from Jason's shoulders. He lets out a low sigh and nods his head.

"I'll see you tomorrow" he says as he opens my bedroom door and steps out.

I open my mouth to talk, but nothing comes out. Tell him! Tell him you still love him and that you're just confused, tell him you would never want to hurt him, but right now you can't afford to hurt Troy either. Tell him, you idiot! TELL HIM! My brain screams all of my solutions, but all I can here is the door shut behind him. As soon as my phone rang, my mind went blank. The phone only had to ring once more before Sharpay picked it up. Within seconds the phone was shoved into my hand. I don't wanna pick it up because I know who it is and I now why he's calling, its 4:19, and he wanted to make sure I was still coming. I slowly bring the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" I ask

I'm surprised by the deepness in my voice

"Ryan?" Troy ask

"Yeah" I say

"Are you still…"

"I'm on my way" I say

I hang up the phone before he can say that he loves me. That's the last thing I want to start. I can't stand those relationships, over the phone kisses and staying up until three in the morning. Call me bitter, but I don't see the point in wasting time on the phone, with someone I'll see the next day. Sharpay clears her throat and I forget she's even there. She waits for me to tell her who was on the phone. It's been that way since, well, forever. I can't do anything without her, knowing and approving it.

"It was Jason" I say

She looks as though I just hit her in the face.

"How can you still go out with Jason, when your sleeping with Troy?" she ask

What? How can she possibly know that?

"What are you talking about?" I ask

She smiles, the same way she does when Zeke kisses her neck and the same way she does when Dad gives in during an argument.

"I'm not stupid Ryan" She says "You don't think I noticed how Troy smiled at you during practices? And that he just happens to show up to EVERY show you're in?"

That's just perfect, I can't even hide my relationship from Sharpay, and all she cares about is herself. She glances down at her watch.

"Well you better get going" She says "And tell me everything"

"Yeah right" I say

She smiles, because she knows I'm gonna tell her anyway. Well here I go, about to give another piece of myself to Troy, all the while feeling as though I wanna die. My hands automatically go to my wrist. No, stop thinking about it. That's the last thing you're gonna do…the last thing. I could never hurt myself, not after seeing Troy's face. That face that he'll never make again, hopefully.

So tell me what you think about this chappie, I know it's not my best, but ….sorry.

Luv ya


	7. Isn't it ironic?

Chapter 7

Troy's p.o.v

Ryan's fingers race wildly through my hair, gripping tightly. My tongue reaching farther into his mouth, our teeth occasionally clinking against each other. I don't want to, but I have to pull away, only to catch a breath. Ryan uses this chance to rip his tee shirt off, and toss it across the small hotel room. Unlike the sleazy hotel, this room is clean, slightly smaller, but much more comforting. It coasts more, and you can't pay in cash, so there's always the chance of my dad checking my credit card bill and ruining everything. Once Ryan's shirt is across the room, Ryan pulls me back into the kiss. My senses go insane as his wet lips connect with mine. This night is different; we don't go straight to the rough sex on the foreign mattress. Instead, we take our time, there's no rush involved. Most times we move at the speed of sound, only so we won't have to stop and examine each other, look into each others eyes and admit what we both felt. However, now that we know we can't control our fate and that denying our love is just wasting the time it takes to get to the inevitable, we can go slowly. We can stop every once and awhile and I can finally stare into those perfect eyes and allow myself to get lost. I let those eyes invade my dreams and I wake up filled with excitement to see them again at school. Ryan pulls away and stares into my eyes.

"I love you, Troy" He says

That's the first time he's said that. It's the first time he's said that he loves me. "I love you" can be meant for anybody, those three little words slip out of the mouths of many people everyday, all the time. But to hear Ryan say "I love you, TROY", proves that I'm not making a bad choice. He loves me, he loves Troy.

"Did you hear me?" he snaps

I snap out of my self induced pleasure.

"Yes, and I love you too, Ryan" I say

I lean back into Ryan as he lowers his back onto the bed. I slowly lower myself on Ryan's small body. He brings his hand to the back of my neck and once again pulls me towards him. As the gap between our lips closes, my cell phone rings. The familiar ringer tells me it's Gabriella.

"Let it go to voice mail" Ryan begs as he pulls my lips onto his

I quickly pull away and jump from the bed. Ryan sits up as well, obviously disappointed. I race to my pants, which lay on top of the air conditioner. I quickly pick up my pants and roam my pockets, within seconds; the vibrating phone is in my hands. I don't hesitate at all to flip my phone open.

"Gabriella?" I ask

I hear Ryan let out a sigh, followed by the sound of the bed moving as he falls back.

"Troy, can we talk?" She ask

"Yeah, I'll be there in a second" I say

"No, we can talk over the phone" She says

No, I don't like the direction this conversation is headed.

"Okay" I say

She clears her throat, letting out a harsh cough, followed by many more. I hear the scuffling of feet, her mom I would guess. Gabriella's coughs fill the room, followed by the sound of her mom's voice screaming for nurses.

"Gabbi?" I say into the phone.

I hear Gabriella's coughs die out followed by the clicking sound indicating the end of our connection.

"Gabriella?" I repeat into the phone.

What's happening? Did she just…no. No, that couldn't be it, stop thinking the worst Troy. I whip around, Ryan's still laying on his back, waiting for something that's not about to happen.

"I have to go" I say to the air.

He slowly sits up. He turns his head slightly to me, his eyebrows raised as if he didn't hear me.

"What happened?" He ask

Yeah, like he really cares. Oh my god, I can't believe Gabriella's practically dying in some hospital, while I'm here with Ryan. I slide my pants on as Ryan rushes over to me.

"Troy, what happened?" he repeats.

I keep moving, no time to waste. I make my way to the door as Ryan wraps his fingers tightly around my shoulder.

"Troy, what the hell going on, your freaking me out" He says

I feel my body temperature rise, as I turn around and brush his hand from my shoulder. His eyes widen.

"Ryan, I have to go. Someone I love is in pain and I'm here with you" I say

Disgust lingers in my voice, and I wish that I could regret it. However, I feel no sorrow as I place my hand on the golden handle and push lightly. My heart doesn't ache for Ryan as I run through the lobby and through the revolving doors. I feel no remorse I drive down the highway faster than I should.

What's wrong with me? How could I be so selfish as to lie to Gabriella daily and not even have the guts to see her in the hospital bed? I have every right to be mad at Ryan, he's the reason I feel sick when ever I step foot into a hospital. Yet here I am, sitting in this nearly empty waiting room, waiting to see my girlfriend. Girlfriend, I haven't said that in awhile. Why, did he have to do that to himself? God, does he enjoy making my life hell? Doesn't he understand I'll always be there for him? Sometimes I just wish I was never born. It's times like these that I think I wasn't meant to be here. But unlike Ryan, I'm strong enough to keep going. You know what? I'm not the coward, Ryan is. Ryan is a coward, so much that he even fears living, how pathetic is that? Oh my god, listen to your self, Troy. How can you even think things so terrible about the only person who's been strong enough to put up with all of your shit? Suddenly I hear the large white doors, sweep against the ground. I lift my head and take my mind out of its current state of confusion. Ms.Montez is holding a tissue to her face, just in case she breaks down. She begins to walk towards me, but I quickly jump from my seat and walk to her.

"Please tell me she's alright" I spit out

I regret asking my question so fast, but I couldn't take the tension. She takes awhile to respond. But eventually she raises he head to look me in the face. Her long brown hair falls slightly over her eyes.

"Troy, did Gabriella ever seem depressed or anything" She ask

My stomach drops, I try to tell myself not to panic, but those are the same words that Mr. Evans asked before….

"Troy?" Ms. Montez snaps

"Did she…" I ask

I can't speak. I want so much to ask if Gabriella is alright. But I don't think I could handle the answer. What's wrong with me? Every time I admit I love a person, they want to die. I love Gabriella and I would never want to be without her, yet she's been trying to leave me, all this time. It's not fair.

"No, no, no, it's not like that, she's okay" She hesitates "as okay as one can be in her situation."

"Situation?" I ask, unable to put together an entire sentence at the moment

Ms.Montez takes hold of my hand and squeezes gently.

"Come with me" She says

I can't, I won't be able to look at Gabriella, not like this. I'm such a disgusting person, for not being there for her. All this time I was with Ryan, Gabriella was hurting, and I knew. I knew she was in pain daily, and I knew she missed me, but I didn't care. I wanted Ryan. Well, you got him Troy, how does it feel. I've only felt this way one other time in my life. And ironically enough, it was with Ryan. I hated myself for ignoring Ryan when Gabriella came into the picture. I hated rushing into the hospital, pushing past the nurses. Forcing my way past Sharpay and Mr. Evans, and seeing Ryan laying in that bed, unconscious. The image of his frail pale body still hunts my mind. His lips, shaded purple as his chest lay motionless. No breathing. And the entire time I knew it was my fault. I should have been there for him; I should've stayed when he asked me to. I should've held him afterwards and told him I loved him, even if I didn't mean it, then. But instead I was with Gabriella, kissing her, touching her. Telling her I love her. All the while, my Ryan was dying. Now I'm in the same boat. Everyone's roles are flipped, but mine. No matter whom it is that's in the hospital and who it is I'm with, the outcome is still the same, and we all get hurt. What I don't understand is why Gabriella would want to do something like this. I tried my hardest to spend the same amount of time with here and with Ryan. And after she was taken to the hospital, she told me not to visit; she said she didn't want me to see her sick.

"She's right in here" Ms. Montez said as she opened the bright yellow door to Gabriella's room.

I see why she didn't want me to see her, and I clearly see what her "condition" is, and I wonder how I ever missed the signs.

**So I know this is most likely the WORST chapter ever, but please still review. Gabbi's not a cutter and she's not dead either. So please review. Oh, and if you've got questions….ask me, duh.**

**Luv ya**


	8. If only you picked up

Chapter 8

Ryan's p.o.v

_Someone I love is in pain, and I'm here with you._ What is that supposed to mean? Someone he loves….so what am I? His words sting like venom in my heart. His face, so full of disgust and anger. Does he hate me now? Does he not love me? Fuck! Ryan, you fucking idiot! You knew this would happen, it always does, it always happens to you. Why would you put your self through this again? Do you enjoy being in pain? I slam my hand against the steering wheel, of course you do. What other reason is there for you to be such a dumbass? I told myself over and over that I would not go through this again, yet here I am. On the verge if tears, completely fucked up, crying over someone who was a tendency to hurt me. I glance into the rear view mirror and catch a glimpse of my self. Pathetic. I quickly run my hand over my closed eyes, wiping away my tears. Suck it up Evans, stop crying over that kid. That's all he is, a kid, a child who doesn't know up from down. He was charming and you fell for it. Love…ugh, yeah right. There's no such thing, remember that. I nod my head as though I'm hearing this from someone else. Troy is over, we are over. All of it, no more kisses no more meeting after school, he'll have to find some one else to use. I still remember the way I used to feel after he would leave. I would sit on the bed, empty. It got to the point where we could no longer meet at my house; I couldn't sleep in the same bed that I was just crying on. I can't stop thinking about him if his scent still feels my room. He hated the idea of meeting somewhere out of town; he said it was because he felt better when we were at my house, because it made him feel closer to me. Bull. Pure bullshit, he just didn't wanna waste gas, driving out of town everyday. But I knew I was worth the travel, and obviously so did he or else he would've never came. I remember the soft kiss he would leave on my lips right before he would pull away from me and begin to find his clothes. I promised my self I would detach all feelings from him and move on. Our relationship would be purely physical and it would all be over as soon as we graduate. I promised myself, no matter what happens, I would never let Troy make me cry. Yet here I am, crying. I'm so confused. Is it my fault Troy never went to see Gabriella? No! Is it? I mean, sure I was the one he occupied his time with and I'll admit I have tempted him to be with me, during times he was with Gabriella. I never had any intentions of hurting their relationship. Yes, she did hurt my relationship with Troy and I have every reason to hate her, but that's not me. I don't go after people, especially when they claim to be in "love". God, I can still their faces pressed together, Troy's eyes wide open. Their kisses always seemed uncomfortable and somewhat forced. But I think I was the only one to notice that. I'll admit I was once jealous of Gabriella, but that's in the past. Now I have…oh, that's right, Jason's pissed at me. Great, just great, Ryan how can you manage to fuck up three relationships in the course of two days? I can't believe I let Jason go, all because of Troy. Because I "loved" him. What a mistake. If I love anybody, it's Jason. And maybe if I keep telling myself that, it'll come true. I could never love Jason, but I can trust him. I can trust that we won't leave me, and I can trust that no matter what, he'll never turn me away. That's why I'm here; parked out side of his house, looking at myself in the mirror, making sure he can't tell that I've been crying.

"Okay Ryan, go get your guy" I coach myself.

I quickly open my door and step out. Okay, do I have every thing I need? I pat my pockets…keys, Yeah, tonight I'm done thinking about Troy. I'm gonna give myself to someone who promised they would never hurt me and has yet to break it. Jason loves me and if he wants all of me, I'll give it to him. Because I would die if I knew he was feeling the same way I felt right now. I shut my door and take a deep breath. Suddenly I hear a faint noise, a song. I turn my head to the car; my cell phone sits on the armrest. No! Don't pick it up, who ever it is will have to wait. Your about to take a big step and the last thing you need is some one talking you out f it. You're about to make a mistake…and enjoy every minute of it.

Troy's p.o.v

Come on, please pick up. Ryan pick up the damn phone! With each tone, my heart aches more. I occasionally glance into Gabriella's open door, to make sure she knew I was still here. What was I thinking, leaving him like that? I love him, almost too much. Just seeing Gabriella, laying there in that bed. Her bones jutting from her chest, her wrist hanging limply from the side, her eyes looking as though their sinking into her skull. How could I not see the signs? She never came to lunch; she never wanted to go out to eat after we went to a movie. How could I not notice, the way she would go to the bathroom after she would eat dinner with my family. I'm so dumb. I just don't under stand why she would want to do that to herself. Does she want to die, I mean she must or else she wouldn't have done this. Is she trying to keep up with Sharpay? That's not gonna happen, and I thought Gabriella knew that as well. All these questions run through my head as I hang up the phone. The looks in Gabriella's eyes as I brought her hand to my lips and gave it a slight kiss, made me realize that I could lose her at any moment. She could slip between my fingers and be gone forever. I could never let that happen to Ryan. I wouldn't make it without him. I love Gabriella, but ….I think I love Ryan more, and that drives me insane. It took me about thirty seconds to realize what a mistake I made. I can't choose between Gabbi and Ryan, I just can't. But as for now, I need to make sure Ryan knows I love him. I briskly walk back into Gabriella's room. Her eyes are almost closed and I don't know if she's sleep or not. Her mother said for the last week, her eyes have been that way. Have opened, as if she's afraid to close her eyes, maybe she fears she won't be able to open them again. I know that's how I feel. I'm glad she doesn't close her eyes, I'm glad she can see me, and know that I'm here for her. Once inside her room, I feel sick again. I can't stand to look at her, every movement she makes, takes effort and causes her pain. She's shriveling up before my eyes, she looks as if she's forty and it makes me uneasy. Ms. Montez is sleeping on the small chair next to the window. I have to leave, I can't stop thinking of Ryan, he's probably in his closet, pulling out that old shoebox. It's full of his various sharp objects. I remember the first time I found that box. It was a stormy night and I had just gotten my third car and didn't want to risk crashing it. Ryan called me a baby, but I knew he was secretly happy that I was staying. He was in the shower, singing softly. I remember standing in the hallway, trying to decide if I should sneak in and jump in the shower with him. Oh, how I wanted to hold him under the pouring hot water, I wanted to see his body, wet. We were still in the early stages of our…I guess you could call it a relationship, so I decided to wait for him in his room. With any luck, he'd forget his towel and I'd get a quick show as he rushes into the room. I remember the light that flowed from under the door, it was overly bright and to me, it gave off a supernatural feeling. Like it hid a dark secret, it turns out that it did indeed hold a secret. One hell of a secret. I can still feel the cold air that came from Ryan's closet as I separated his hanging clothes. I placed my hands in between the tightly packed clothes and firmly pushed in opposite directions. As I moved forward, I stepped on the box. I remember thinking I crushed something valuable to him. I quickly dropped to my knees and examined the box. It was small and black with the letter P printed on it in faux diamonds, under the letter it read: Prada. Figures Ryan would were designer shoes. I lifted the box and shook it gently. I heard the clatter of what sounded like solid items. I place my hand on the box, and my mother's voice feels my head. _If you go looking for trouble, you will find it._ But technically I wasn't looking for trouble, I just happened to stumble across it. So I quickly through the lid from the shoe box and looked inside. The fist thing I saw was a large script of Twinkle Town. But that couldn't have been what I heard. I quickly remove the script and what I saw next still gives me nightmares.

"Troy" A voice says

I snap out of my horrific memory and turn to my sick girlfriend. Her eyes haven't changed, but I know she's awake. I waste know time in going over to her. I grab her hand and give a soft squeeze. Her hand is so light, if it wasn't for the skin surrounding the bones, you wouldn't be able to tell if it was a human hand at all.

"Yes?" I ask

"Troy, you're leaving aren't you" She says, this isn't a question.

Her voice is harsh and it makes me throat hurt. I glance down at my keys in my hand.

"Um, well…"

"Troy, you're leaving me again for him…aren't you" she states

My mind freezes, does she know? How?...TAYLOR! That scheming bitch!

"What ever Taylor told you was a lie!" I say, lying myself.

"Troy, Taylor never says anything about you, she only cries" She says

I'm noticing she keeps saying my name before every sentence. Wait, Taylor didn't tell her anything? Then why…how…..there's no way she figured it out on her own.

"Then what are you talking about?" I ask, I decide to play the oblivious role.

"I'm not stupid Troy, although you might think other wise." She says

I drop my head in shame.

"I always knew it was someone else, I just never knew it was him. And I never knew you…" She let's out a loud cough and Ms. Montez jerks awake. " I never knew you loved him more than you loved me. Because, I'll never love anyone more than I love you."

My mind goes blank. I'm horrible. I'm a disgusting, lying sack of shit. Ryan is the cause for all of this, yet here I am, about to go and see him, once again leaving Gabriella alone. She knew, she knew this entire time and yet she still stayed with me. She still let me leave. She knew the entire time that I was unfaithful to her, but she never said anything, instead she took it out on her self. Oh my god, it's like a nightmare happening all over again. First, Ryan almost died, because of me and now Gabriella is almost dead, because of me. My love is poison. And at the moment, Gabriella is the one suffering from it, Ryan will have to wait, maybe for longer than I expected. I pull up chair next to Gabriella and sit down.

"I'm not going anywhere, I'm never leaving you again" I say

Never again.


	9. back to the box

Chapter 9

**Okay before I forget, sorry about the long wait and the long ass paragraphs. I'll break them up from now on. Forgive me? Good. Okay I hope you like this chapter\**

_Luv ya_

Ryan's p.o.v

"Are you okay?" Jason ask for the tenth time

"I'm fine, Jason" I repeat

He's been like this for about an hour, checking to make sure that he wasn't too rough with me. How, badly I want to tell him that I barely felt a thing, that this wasn't really my first time. But seeing as how he's all I have left, I don't wanna push him away. I've come to the conclusion that Troy's not worth it. He's not worth my tears and pain. I mean, I have someone who loves me and here I am pushing him away to get close to someone who doesn't even know what love is. I'm a damn fool. Suddenly Jason's house phone rings. Jason slowly sits up; he stretches his arms towards the ceiling. He let's out a loud yawn. It must have been better for him than it was for me, it should be, and I gave him my all. I took out all my anger, frustration and pain on him, he never once told me to stop. Jason slides from the bed, and walks to the phone that's on the wall, he's completely naked.

I feel a sharp pain in my heart, knowing that he's so comfortable around me. However, I can't be naked around him, not unless we're doing something. I feel ashamed when he looks at me nude body and smiles. I feel ashamed because I know the truth; I know that just a few hours ago this body was Troy's. Troy could do whatever he wanted to me and I enjoyed it. Yet, Jason still believes that I'm his, that I'm untouched, that he was my first. How little he knows. I pull my arms from underneath the cover to glance at my watch. It's getting late and I should get going. Jason laughs on the phone. I sit up and quickly hop from the bed. Where are my pants? I scan the room and find my pants sprawled across the full length mirror. I quietly make a grab for my pants. I don't want Jason to turn around until I'm fully dressed, because if he sees me naked and ask my to stay….chances are, I'll most likely say yes, even though I know I need to be home. That's the good thing about being related to Sharpay, she's always the one to get blamed, therefore no body ever notices when I break curfew or get a bad grade. Sharpay always gets the attention, and sometimes that works to my advantage.

I guess I make to much noise as I reach for my shirt that's dangling from the bed post, because Jason whips around. His eyes widen and he puts his hand over the receiver.

"Where are you going?" He ask

"Home" I say bluntly

Avoid his eyes, avoid his eyes.

"Hey, Chad, I'll call you back. Alright, bye" Jason hangs the phone up

Keep moving Ryan, you're almost dressed. I almost make it, but Jason grabs me from behind and places a kiss on my neck.

"You're not leaving" he says

I break away from his grip and continue to button up my shirt.

"Uh, yeah I am. I don't really have a choice" I say

Don't stop, keep moving. My bag, where's my bag? Oh, wait, it's in the car. It's surprisingly quiet as I push past Jason and pull his door open, wow, he didn't even lock it. Don't stop, don't apologize. I walk down the hallway, past Jason's sleeping older brother, and into the dark dinning room. I feel my way around, when the light comes on. I know its Jason, but I can't stop, not now. I see the door. Go to the door, almost there. I know if I stop and look at him, my heart will explode and I'll break down. Jason will know the truth and I'll be alone…again. I swing the door open and stop. Fuck. I turn around slowly, to see Jason leaning against the wall, with my keys dangling from his index finger. FUCK!

"Ryan, tell me. Tell me whatever it is that you're hiding." He commands "I love you, too much. And I'll be damned if you feel that you can't tell me what's on your mind"

He stares directly into my eyes and my fear becomes a reality…I can't look away, and I know I can't lie to him.

"Is this about tonight?" He asks "I know it wasn't your first time" He says

"You do?" I ask

I mentally slap myself. Great way to cover up Ryan, for all you know he could've been bluffing. Jason looks down and smiles.

"Yep. The way you screamed, the way you told me to go faster…pretty much gave it away" He says

I can't help but blush, god I'm such an idiot. Jason's smile fades and he's back to serious mode.

"So whatever it is, you can tell me" He says

Suddenly there's a squeaky noise and soon after, Jason's brother appears behind him. He looks at Jason's naked body and then at me. He squints his eyes and I can literally see his wheels turning. He shakes his head, as if he's trying to get rid of an image. And then turns to leave.

"Was that your brother?" I ask, knowing full well that it was

"Yeah, but forget him, what's bothering you?" He ask

"Look it's hard to explain" I say

Oh no, here it comes. I can feel the truth crawling up my throat. Jason looks down for awhile and then slowly looks back at me.

"There's someone else isn't there?" He asks

WHAT! How…why….what would make him jump to that conclusion! I mean, sure he's right, but is that what he thinks of me? Does he think I'm just some low life cheaters who…..wait, that is me. I am a lowlife dirty cheater. He' suspected this all along and he's still with me? Wow, how low am I? He really does love me. That's it; I've got to be honest. If I tell him the truth, then he'll forgive me and we'll forget about this whole thing.

"Yes" I say no need to beat around the bush

Jason nods slowly.

Oh no, we wasn't expecting me to say yes.

"Yeah" He says

"But it's over and I choose you, I love you" I lie

"Who is it?" He ask

"Jason" I plead

"Who is it!" he demanded

"Why does it matter?" I ask

"I want to know who it is, that you love more than me" He says

God, this is not happening, I'm not losing him, I can't lose him.

"It's….It's Troy" I say

That was the wrong answer. Jason shuts his eyes and throws my keys at me.

"Get out" He says

"But…

"GET OUT!" He screams

Great. I lost him, and I lost Troy. I reach down and grab my keys. I quickly turn around and step out side. Don't look back, don't look back. I tell myself this all the way to my car. Don't look back; you know what you have to do to make this pain go away. Tears roll down my face as I start up my car.

"You know what you have to do" I tell myself

My wrist sting already

**So I know it seems short, but it was apart of one REALLY LONG chapter that I was gonna post, but it seemed too long, so I broke it into smaller chapters. So the next chapter will be the other half. PLEASE REVIEW, if I don't get enough of them, I start to think that nobody is reading them, and if no one's reading, then what's the point of writing it, you know? Alright, bye**

**_Luv Ya_**


	10. take a chance on me

Chapter 10

**So this is the second halve. I hope you like it. **

Troy's p.o.v

_Fuck Love. Hate. Troy. Ugly. Useless. _ The words are written in what is undeniably blood. They razor glistens in the light. I grab the picture that was taken at Ryan's birthday party and flip it over. More words, more blood. _Never. Shadow. No one loves you. _ The blood fades out on the last letter. My heart won't slow down enough for me to think clearly. Is this my fault? Of course it is. Ryan's wrist flash before my eyes, blood pouring from his open slits.

I wake up on the floor, next to my bed. My body's covered in cold sweat. Oh no, this can't be happening. They can not be starting again, not the nightmares, not now. I can't handle them, not while I have Gabriella to worry about. I give my eyes time to adjust to the room. The darkness is fading and a dark purple covers the windows. I lift my self from the floor. I turn to look at my clock on the dresser and a sharp pain stings my neck. Great, first the Gabriella, then the nightmares, now a neck pain…I can already tell this day is gonna suck. I take awhile to rotate my neck before looking at the clock. 6:58 am. Great, I only got about two hours of sleep. I left Gabriella at around five-ish. As much as I try to tell myself that she appreciated it, I know that she didn't notice. She was passed out the entire time. Ms. Montez spends the entire time staring out of the window, only opening her mouth to take in a quiet gasp. Once 5:00 hit, a nurse arrived, followed by two men, who looked as if they only a year or so older than myself. They were armed with a large plastic tube and a small clear back filled with a light yellow mixture. I knew what time it was, time to feed the bulimic. There was no way I could watch, so I snuck out as quietly as possible.

Now, as I stand under the streaming hot water of my shower, my mind focuses on another problem. Ryan. Where is he? Where did he go? Oh god, I know he hates me now. I would have never imagined that I would care so much about him. I can still his smile as he blew out the candles on his birthday cake. It was the first party that was just for him. Up until then, Sharpay and Ryan "shared" their parties. The truth was, without Sharpay, no one would've even noticed Ryan, let alone come to HIS birthday party. But all it took was me telling everyone that we were friends and that it was gonna be an awesome party…and of course there would be alcohol. Poor Ryan, he actually thought all those people where there because they liked him. I still remember the way he danced against Jason while the music blared through the speakers. His small hips grinding against Jason's all too willing body. He'd had too much to drink at that point. I should have known that I was gonna fall for him that night. I should have known by the way my blood rushed to my face, the way I yanked Ryan away from Jason and dragged him up the stairs, into the nearest bathroom. The way I roughly pressed my lips to his, tasting beer. I knew it would happen, I just didn't know why? I didn't know why I felt the need to kiss him before Jason did; I had to mark my territory. I was being an ass, but for some reason, I wanted to be with him. I totally forgot about Gabriella. I wanted to be Ryan's "first", not Jason, not anyone! It had to be me! Ryan was mine! I remember how he begged me to be gentle as I threw him on his bed. He screamed, from the mixture of pleasure and pain, but our noises were not heard. The music and laughter filled the house. I never wanted to be the first one to open Ryan. I wanted him to want me. But the beer clouded my thoughts and I didn't care if he wanted it or not, he was gonna take it. I was going to have Ryan. I've never touched any form of alcohol since. It scares the shit out of me.

I'm freaking out as I race into the theater to find Sharpay. As usual, she's sitting at the edge of the stage, singing to the song being played over the radio, as she reads a script. Talk about multitasking. I jog down the aisle until I'm directly in front of Sharpay.

"Where is he?" I ask, trying to talk and breath at the same time

Sharpay looks down at me and rolls her eyes.

"Like you would care" she says as she brings the script back to her face.

I don't even have to ask why she's mad. I reach up and pull the script from her hands. I know I'm an inch away from death, but I'm really worried at the moment.

"Sharpay, where is he?" I ask

She stares at me for awhile before answering.

"He's at home, he said he was sick and that he'd been throwing up all night" She says

My heart drops. Oh God.

"I'm gonna go see him" I say

"He doesn't wanna see you" She says

"I think I'll let him tell me that" I snap as I turn around

"He already told you!" she calls out "through me"

I stop and turn back to her. Maybe I heard her wrong. There's no way, Ryan can expect me to not try and see him. I haven't seen him all day! Now lunch rolls around, I'm scared out of mind and he tells me he doesn't wanna see me?

"He told me to tell you, that he doesn't need you're assistants, and that maybe you'd be better appreciated at the hospital with Gabriella" She says "You really fucked up Troy Bolton. Don't think that you can just do what you want with my brother and then leave him for...her!"

She doesn't know what she's talking about. She has no fucking idea. I love Ryan and I don't have to prove that to anyone, but him. So I will. I'm going to see Ryan, weather he wants me to or not.

Ryan's p.o.v

My wrists are on fire. I cut too deep last night. My scars were just beginning to fade. Now my wrists are covered in dark red lines, some longer than others. I'm completely drained. My stomach's tense from all the crying and I can't even look at food with out gagging. This day blows. I've been in bed all day, literally. I can't bring myself to move, what's the point? What's the point of anything? I'm thinking beyond the point of my situation with Troy and Jason, right now. I mean, what is the point? We work our asses off everyday, and for what? A letter or number on a piece of paper? Please, it's not worth it. It's not worth the pain and struggle. We'll just continue to work and fight until we die. We stress in high school about getting into college, we stress in college about making it in the real world, we stress about getting a career, we stress about taking care of our children and even when we die, we leave behind more stuff for everyone else to stress about. It's just a cycle of stress and problems. I mean, sure there's some good in life, but does it outweigh the bad? Not by a long shot. I thought being in love with Troy, was reason enough to live, but he doesn't love me back. So what's the point of even being here? Why not just end it, and be done? But then I think, "Am I just being lazy?" or "am I over reacting?" Ugh, I can't deal with this constant fight. A fight against myself, a fight that I'm just not gonna win. Everyone is put on this planet for a reason. What if my reason was to show Troy how much he really loved Gabriella? I mean, be serious, not everyone was meant to do something extraordinary, or else there would be no poor people or druggies. Someone has to be the person who shows everyone else that their life isn't that bad…maybe that someone is me.

I hope Troy got my message. I can't see him, not now. I can't look him in the eyes and tell him I hate him. He reads me too well, he'll know I'm lying and he'll take advantage of me weak situation. He'll tell me he loves me and promise me the world…only to leave me alone whenever Gabriella is in need. My head pounds and I try not to focus on the subject any longer. Suddenly there's a knock at my window. I turn my head, but see nothing, just my empty balcony. I'm about to lay back down, when I see a small rock tap against my window. Who's throwing rocks at my window? Ugh, stupid neighbor kids. I throw my covers off of my bare legs and hop from the bed. Clad only in my underwear, I rush to the balcony. Oh great, it's raining, how did I not notice that? I slid the glass door to the side and just my luck, a small rock hits me square between the eyes.

"Ouch" I say aloud

"Ryan? Ryan is that you?" A voice screams.

I walk completely outside; the rain feels great against my bare chest. I walk over to the wooden rail and my heart sinks. There he is, standing in the pouring rain. Jason's completely soaked.

"What are you doing here?" I scream

"Ryan…Ryan, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry" He yells back

The rain makes my words barley audible.

"I don't wanna loose you to something this stupid!" He yells "I love you, and I'm never gonna stop loving you. And if that means, that I have to share you with Troy…then that's what I'll do. I can't afford to lose you. I would die without you, Ryan Evans"

This isn't happening, not with Jason. Here I was, completely depressed, on the verge of suicide then Jason shows up and I feel happy again. It's the same feeling when you want ice cream but settle for frozen yogurt, you're not completely satisfied, but at least you have something. At least you're not empty handed.

"You don't have to share me Jason" I yell

I feel content, enough to let Jason in my heart once more. And then the bomb drops, Troy's car pulls into my driveway.

"You have got to be kidding me" I say to myself

Troy waste no time running next to Jason. He follows his gaze and sees me. Please leave Troy, please don't make a scene. Of course, he can't read my mind, and he opens his mouth.

"Ryan, don't listen to him! You love me, and I love you!" Troy yells, pretending as if Jason isn't standing a foot away from him.

"Ryan! Let me in." Jason yells

"Ryan, stop this! You know you're wasting time! You know that I'm the one you want" Troy yells

"How do I know that you're not gonna leave me again? How do I know that you're not acting on impulse?" I scream

The rain flattens my hair to my forehead and I let it cover the top of my eyes. I can't stand to look at them. I ruined their friendship, I ruined everything they had, and they still want me? Jason hasn't moved, he hasn't spoken. That's Jason, only talking when he needs to. Right now, he knows that I'm still by his side and that Troy is nothing but a confused boy. Then Troy says something that changes my mind about him.

"How do you know your house won't explode? How do you know, I won't get struck by lightning? How do we know anything, until it happens! You have to take changes! So take a chance on me Ryan! I LOVE YOU! He yells

I'm stuck. On one hand I have Jason, the one who loves me, no matter what. He'll always be there for me, he'll always trust me. I'm number one on his list. But wait…is that love? I mean, do I love him or do I love the attention he gives me? I mean I've always been in Sharpay's shadow; Jason's the only one who noticed me for who I am. Maybe I'm afraid of being put back into the background. Maybe that's why Jason means so much to me. But then there's Troy, he never puts me first…but I can't imagine life without him. He's in my every thought and if he somehow left…I don't know what I'd do. Troy's a complete ass, but I can't shake the feeling that he gives me. It's the same feeling he has now. The feeling that would make him want to stand out in the pouring rain, and declare his love to me. I love Troy, and that's all that matters….right? I can't leave Jason…I just can't.

"Okay" I yell, to no one in particular

I run back into my room, out into the hallway, down the stairs, through the kitchen and to the back door. I'm about to make let love into my heart, and break one of theirs. I slowly open the door and call out the name of the boy I'm going let in, the guy I'm going stay committed to, no matter what. I open my mouth and yell out his name.

"

**So did you like it? Do you hate me for leaving you hanging? Sorry, but that's just how it is. Lol. So I really need reviews for this chapter. Alright. OH and Ryan's whole" depressing thoughts" thing were just that… RYAN'S thoughts. Not mine. Alright, bye**

**Luv ya**


	11. save that boy

Chapter 11

**Hey, so I hope you guys like this chappie! Oh and Taylor will resurface, but it won't be a big revenge thing, it'll be like…you know what, it's a surprise. Alright?**

**Luv ya**

Troy's p.o.v

He hasn't moved he's just standing there as if he misheard Ryan. I want to tell him something to make him feel better. But what can I say? "Hey sorry your boyfriend chose me over you"? Yeah right. So I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything when Ryan called my name and I didn't say anything when Jason waited for what seemed like forever, I didn't say anything as he slowly drove away, and I'm not saying anything now, as I sit on Ryan's couch, with a cover draped over my shoulders. I silently plead for Ryan to start the grueling conversation. I guess he gets the message, because he takes a deep breath and begins speaking.

"Troy, it's time to talk now" He says

"Yeah" I say

Yeah? YEAH? Is that all you can think of Troy? Tell him. Tell him how much you love him and how you still love Gabriella and that you're just completely fucked up at the moment. Tell him your world is heading to hell, but as long as he's by your side, you know everything's gonna be fine. I have all of this in my head and all I can say is...

"Yeah" I say

Wow, real deep Troy. Ryan waits for awhile, expecting me to elaborate. It takes him a second to realize that I've said what I had to say, and then he nods his head slowly.

"Okay. Um I guess I'll start" He says "Troy, I want you to be happy, and if Gabriella makes you happy then you should be with her"

Yeah right.

"Be honest Ryan" I tell him

"Okay, that was a lie. I don't want you to be with her! I want you to be with me!" He says quickly "I know I'm being selfish and I know I'm being a jerk but, I mean I have every right to be. I love you and you said you loved me, so I don't know why we just can't'…..

I lean towards him and press my lips to his, ending his sentence. He pulls away

"You can't just …..

This time I grab the back of his neck and bring his lips to mine. At first he tries to pull away, but I hold him tighter. Damn it Ryan, just shut up. His tongue slides from between his closed lips, prying mine open. He pulls away for air and then comes back to me, our open mouths connect and my body warms up entirely. My mouth has yearned for his taste all day. I want to show him that I love him. I want to take him back up stairs and show him how sorry I am. I don't wanna have sex with him; I wanna make love to him. I want to move slowly within him, I want to kiss his forehead and tell him I love him as his body moves from my thrust. I know at his party it was his first time, but I want it to be "our" first time, as a couple. I pull away from Ryan.

"What is it?" He ask

I look down at his pink lips and it takes all that I have not to lean back in.

"Ryan, let's go" I say

He looks lost.

"Go where?" He ask

"To your room" I almost whisper

I know its forbidden territory. Ryan's bedroom is plagued with bad memories. I've purposely avoided his bedroom for years, ever since I went into the closet. Ryan knows it and I know it, the bedroom is off limits.

"No" Ryan says simply "No way"

I place my hand on Ryan's face.

"Ryan…it's time to move on. It's just a room, just a room." I say

"I can't bring you in there. It's already hard enough sleeping in the bed that you found me in, unconscious. The last thing I need is to drag you into my thoughts" He says "There are just too many bad memories, Troy"

"Well let's make new ones" I say

Ryan looks down.

"I already have" He says

What is he talking about? That's when I notice his hands moving to his sleeved wrists. Oh god, you are not serious. I need to see it for myself; I need to actually see the cuts to know what he did. My mind will force me to go into denial if I can't see them. I reach out to Ryan's wrist, but he pulls away.

"Ryan" I say

I reach back out to his wrist, but he pulls once more. This time I lunge at him. He doesn't expect it and I knock him from the couch. He lands on his back and I can't risk letting him leave. I pounce on top of his small body. Once I know I've got him I grab at his wrist again. This time, he doesn't fight it. I can tell by his face that the pressure of my grip against his wrist causes him pain. I push his sleeve down and within seconds I let his wrist go and get off of him. That's all I needed to see. Ryan's wrists are covered in cuts.

I stumble backwards and land on the floor. I don't feel the hardwood under me, I don't feel anything. I'm completely numb. God! Why do I care so much about him? Why do I allow myself to feel his pain? Because I caused it, that's why. I'm the reason Ryan cut himself and I'm the reason Gabriella won't eat. I'm fucked up, and it seems contagious. I should feel mad. I have every right to be pissed…right? Ryan sits up, but stays on the floor. A tear rolls down his face. A single tear. Is that all its worth, a single tear? Liquid hits my lips and I realize that I'm crying as well. I open my mouth to yell at Ryan, but all that comes out is a sob. No! I refuse to cry, Ryan's already weak, the last thing he needs is a coward crying on his living room floor. Be strong, go to him, protect him, and tell him everything will be okay, even though you know it won't be. Ryan crawls over to me.

"Troy" He starts

I hold out my arms

"Ryan…just…come here" I sob

Ryan scoots into my arms and I hold him. I'm never letting him go. The smell of Ryan's hair, the feel of his small arms wrapped around me, it's all overwhelming and pretty soon, and I'm in a full blown crying session. I can't stop.

"Troy, I'm sorry" Ryan says.

He's not crying, he doesn't even sound sad, but I know he's just following the rules; he needs to be strong for me. Oh god, why would Ryan do this to him self? Does he not know how much I'm going through? Ryan places a soft kiss on my check.

"We can go to the bedroom now" He whispers

I'll admit, hearing him whisper those words, definitely made me happy, but I knew that if he did go into that room, then all I would think about is Ryan, slicing his skin while thoughts of me run through his head. I realize that it's him who's holding me. My arms are weakly thrown around him, while his squeeze me tightly. He's trying to make me feel better, even though he's the one that's hurt. That's Ryan, my Ryan. Suddenly my phone goes off and I can tell by the ring that it's the one person I don't wanna talk to. It's Gabriella, and I know I have to leave, but I can't bring myself to answer the phone.

**Okay, so sighs this chappie sux. BUT it's only b/c I was rushed and yeah. So the next chappie is WAY SAD. So alright, bye**

**Luv ya**


	12. Gabriella

Chapter 12

**Okay, so this chappie is way sad. JSYK. (Just so you know). **

Ryan's p.o.v

Troy's been sleep for about an hour, but his grip around my waist is still tight. My head's buried in his chest. He won't let me go, he doesn't wanna risk it. That's how Troy is, when he doesn't know how to control a situation, he just ignores it. So instead of talking to me or suggesting help…he just holds me. To make sure I don't do anything stupid, he doesn't let me do anything at all. It's his way of protecting me from myself. I close my eyes and try to sleep. If I could just stop thinking about all the things that have gone wrong in my life, then maybe I could actually enjoy this moment. Okay, Ryan just try relax. As soon as I am able to close my eyes, the loud sound of my doorbell rings throughout the house. I let out a loud sigh. Maybe it's just one of those door to door sales people, they'll go away. I let my eyes shut once more, only to be once again interrupted by the doorbell. Okay. I try to pull away from Troy; this causes him to wake up quickly.

"You gotta go to the bathroom?" He ask

His voice is raspy, but he's wide awake. God, I feel like such a child. He doesn't even trust me enough to go the bathroom alone. He stares back at me, his eyes squinted. I slowly shake my head, and the doorbell rings again. Troy let's me go and I slowly sit up. The doorbell's ringing faster now. Whoever's on the other side is getting impatient. I rush out of the living room through the kitchen. Once I get to the door, I don't take the time to ask who it is. I swing open the door, ready to yell at who ever it was, but I stopped once I saw it was Taylor and Chad. Taylor's crying.

"Ryan, uh…" Chad says

"What?" I ask, getting worried.

Chad rolls his eyes

"This is probably pointless…but do you know where Troy is?" He ask

Oh shit.

"Um…

Taylor sniffs and then lifts her head to me.

"Ryan could you just please get him, it's really important" She sobs "It's Gabriella"

Oh my god. Oh my God.

"Troy!" I yell, still looking at Taylor

It takes only a second for Troy to appear behind me.

"What's wrong!" Troy panics

I decide to let him figure it out on his own. He stares at me for awhile, until Taylor clears her throat. Troy quickly whips his head to the open door. Chad stares back at Troy, his eyebrows raised.

"Troy what in the hell are you doing here?" Chad ask

"I'm here with Ryan, what's going on?" Troy ask quickly

Chad's eyes widen.

"It's Gabriella. She had another attack and the doctors don't know if she can completely bounce from this one….this might be her…last one. We tried to call you but…" Taylor says as the sobs begin to start again.

Troy pushes past me and grabs Taylor by the shoulders.

"What EXACTLY are you saying?" Troy ask

Taylor opens her mouth to talk, but all that comes out are loud sobs. All I can see is the back of Troy's head, but I know he's crying, because he knows exactly what she means. Gabriella's lack of food, gave her heart problems and ever since she dropped to eighty seven pounds, her heart has been stopping every once in awhile. We all knew that she didn't have too many days left and we all knew that eventually the day would come when her heart just wouldn't start back up, but none of us ever thought it would be this soon. Troy lets go Taylor and turns back to me. He pushes past me and back into the living room. I can hear him gathering his stuff, leaving me, Chad and Taylor in an extremely awkward moment. Taylor tries to catch her breath and Chad just stares at my pants. Troy suddenly rushes back; he's wearing his shoes and carrying mine.

"Ryan, put on your shoes, it's time to go" Troy commands

I quickly slide my shoes on, as Taylor and Chad walk back to their car.

"Gimme your keys" Troy says

I reach into my pocket and pull out my car keys and toss them to Troy. Together, we run to my car. Chad and Taylor are already gone. I try my hardest to think of Gabriella and not myself, but I can't help it! This is gonna END my relationship with Troy. I just know it.

We speed down the road and I almost fall out of the car as Troy takes a sharp left into the hospital parking lot. Troy quickly opens the door and runs towards the emergency room entrance. Wow, he left the car running. I reach over and pull the keys from the ignition. Okay Ryan, just relax, it's not that he's ignoring you, it's Gabriella, she is dying you know. I pocket my keys and step out of the car. I begin my walk to the sliding glass doors. I take a deep breath. I haven't been in this hospital since I was the patient.

"Okay, Ryan. You can do this, it's just a building" I tell myself

"Do what?"

I turn around to see Chad, walking up behind me. I can't tell if he's mad or worried or confused.

"Nothing" I tell him

I wait for him to respond with some stupid remark or a lame joke, but he doesn't. He just stares back at me, like he wants to say something, but doesn't know how.

"Okay." I say "Well I'm gonna head in"

I turn back around

"Wait!" Chad says

I stop, but don't turn around.

"What did Troy mean when he said he was with you?" He ask

"Huh?" I ask, pretending to be oblivious

"I mean, why was he at your house?" Chad asks "He's not gay."

How little you know.

"You sure?" I ask

I decide to leave him with that, and finally walk into the hospital. I don't have time to survey my once worst nightmare. I rush into the elevator; I know why Chad waited for me. There's no way in hell he's gonna bring this up once we're in Gabriella's room. That's when it hits me. What the fuck have I done? Not only am I the reason that he left Gabriella, but I'm also the reason that Chad's probably never gonna talk to him again. Great job Ryan. The elevator opens and I step out. I think this is the right floor. I walk down the bright hallways until I arrive at the room. As soon as I see the room, I wish that I would have stayed in the parking lot. Everyone's there and everyone's staring at me…including Jason. They all know why Troy was never around; they all know that I'm the home wrecker. Sharpay rest her head on Zeke's shoulder, while Kelsi wipes her eyes. Jason sees me and musters up a weak smile. God! Why does Jason have to be like that? Why does he have to be so fucking kind all the time! I don't smile back; instead I walk entirely into the room. Troy's leaning over Gabriella. My stomach drops as I examine Gabriella's frail body. Her arms are almost non existent, her bones jut from her wrists as they hang limply off the sides of the bed. Troy's crying loudly as he talks to Gabriella. I glance at her heart monitor, her heart beats slow, too slow.

"I love you, so much." Troy sobs "I never wanted to hurt you, I swear. And if I could take it back, I would. You're the only one that matters to me, Gabriella."

That's when it happens. The beeping stops and her line goes flat. Ms. Montez collapses into the arms of Gabriella's older brother. I can hear the nurses down the hall as towards the room. Oh my God, we all just watched a girl die.

"Please don't leave me. Not now, I'm not ready to say goodbye to you" Troy cries

The rest moves in lightning speed. The nurses rush in and push Troy aside. Machines are rolled in and Gabriella's chest is pumped. We're all pushed outside in the hall way. So that's it? I…I don't know what to say. Did Troy say if he could take it back he would?

**Alright, so…yeah. Gabbi's dead. I know it doesn't seem as sad now, but you've got to remember, this is from Ryan's p.o.v. The next Chappie will be from Troy's. And then you'll get more of the feeling of Gabbi's death. Alright, REVIEW!**

**Luv Ya**


	13. Beat of our hearts

Chapter 13

**Once again, these thoughts are Troy's not mine! So don't get all pissed at me.**

**Luv ya**

Troy's p.o.v

My throat stings as I take another swig of the tequila. I hold the bottle up to the moonlight. Wow almost gone, I better go see what else my Dad has. I think about the travel from here to my dad's bedroom, it's too long. Oh well. I lay back down. The roof is the best place to see the sky. My Dad would kill me if he found me up here. But he's not here, he's never here. I don't think he like being around me anymore, ever since I lost that game last year. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he hates me. Oh well, not like I have a lot to live for anyways. I mean, Gabriella's dead. She's gone. I bring the bottle to my lips and let the strong liquid run down my throat. Maybe if I drink enough, I'll get alcohol poisoning and die. I mean, death isn't that bad. Gabriella died in seconds, I was in the middle of a sentence when she died, she didn't scream or cry, she didn't even move. Maybe I'll die and I'll be with Gabriella once more. I let out a quiet laugh. Yeah right, Gabriella's probably somewhere in heaven. She always believed in that whole "heaven and hell" thing. Me, I never really cared…when you're dead, you're dead. Right? I mean what kind of God would let Gabriella die? What kind of God would take away the only person who means the world to me? What kind of God would let Ryan cut his wrist open? What kind of God would make me go through all of this? I stand to my feet and try to not to fall back down. My vision is shit and I can see is the bright moon glaring back at me, taunting me. What kind of God would let Ryan hate me? Because I know he does, I know he's hated me this entire time. He was just taking pity, right? So let's see, that's Gabriella, who's dead. Ryan, who hates me, then Dad, who's ashamed of me.

"Wow, you really should jump" I say aloud.

If there isn't a God, then there's no heaven, and if there's no heaven, then there's no hell. I could jump and not have to suffer at all. I could just be dead, not worrying about being perfect, not having to worry about Gabriella, or the fact that I'm more concerned about Ryan. Oh my God, I'm more concerned about Ryan! That's a problem! My girlfriend just died and all I can think about is my boyfriend. Is he my boyfriend? I mean, we love each other and…forget it. I'm losing focus. I wobble to the edge of the roof, my bare toes rest on the gutter. If I just closed my eyes and leaned forward, I could die. Right? I mean, it's high enough, isn't it? I wouldn't like, just break a leg or anything. I want this to be final, I want to die. Then maybe Ryan will see how it feels to lose someone you love, like I lost Gabriella. I bring the bottle back to my lips, but nothing comes out. I bring the bottle to my eyes. I can't really tell, so I just toss the bottle into the air, and watch it shatter next to me. Just like my life, shattered. Okay Bolton, don't chicken out, do it. I look down at my feet. I let out a let sigh.

"I can't" I tell myself

I can't do it. I shouldn't be alone, I need to be with someone responsible, and someone who'll make sure I don't pass out somewhere. I guess I'll go to…oh, yeah, she's gone. The one person who I can count on…is gone. Dead. That's when it happens, the tears run down my face. I've been holding them back all day; I knew that if I cried then I wouldn't be able to stop, I was right. I better get in; my Dad should be on his way home. I turn around and try to find the window I crawled through to get out here. Once I see the open window, I try to sneak in; I don't wanna wake anyone up.

"There's no one here, dumbass" I tell myself

I let out a loud laugh and within seconds I'm in the room, on the floor. I wonder if Gabriella hated me too. I really hope she didn't, I really hope she knew that I loved her, and that I loved Ryan too and that I couldn't choose. I just couldn't!

"OKAY! I JUST COULDN'T CHOOSE!" I yell at the top of my lungs.

The tears have stopped and all that's left are the drying streaks, only traces of what used to be tears. Gabriella loved me. And I lied to her, even on her death bed. I told her if I could take it all back I would. That's not true. I don't wanna take anything back. As much as I try to tell myself that she was the love of my life…I know that's not true. I found the love of my life, the love of my life is still living, the love of my life doesn't love me back, the love of my life almost died because of me. The love of my life wasn't Gabriella. The love of my life is Ryan. I've got to tell him.

Ryan's p.o.v

Fuck Troy Bolton. Fuck him! He wishes he could take it all back! So I'm just a mistake! Oh, that's just fine. Ugh, and to think, I was about to come home and cut my wrist until I passed out. And for what? For Troy? Yeah right, he's not worth that. He's not worth anything. He's a foul disgusting excuse for a man. He's the dirt beneath my feet. HE IS NOTHING. I zip my second bag in a hurry.

"Ryan, please don't do this" Sharpay begs in a dry voice.

She's been crying all day. Zeke's sleeping in her bed. She doesn't understand. I have to go, there's no point in me staying here any longer. I race back into the bathroom to grab my toothbrush. How can Troy say that? I mean, how can he say that? It was a mistake? Do you know how long it took me to tell myself that it wasn't a mistake, that it was actually love? That I was actually experiencing love, for once in my life! And then he says, ugh, I hate Troy. I hate him. When I re enter my room, Sharpay is unzipping one of my three bags.

"Stop!" I command

I run into the room and push Sharpay away from my things. I quickly re zip the bag. She takes a deep breath and collapses on the ground. Oh great, now I have to watch another performance, from the almighty Sharpay. She begins her crying and pleading as I grab my keys. Okay, that's everything. I sling two bags across my shoulders and hold the other in my hand. I walk over Sharpay and into the hall. I pass Sharpay's room; Zeke's completely sleep on her oversized bed.

"Later, Zeke" I whisper

I race down the stairs. I go to the front door and swing it open. I don't wanna say goodbye to anything, or take a moment to re think what I'm doing. Because I know that if I do, I'll end up going back upstairs and unpacking. I'll end up being alone for the rest of my life, living in Albuquerque my whole life. I quickly walk over the lawn and to the curb where, my car is parked. I unlock the doors and throw my stuff in the back. I should actually thank Troy. His little confession at the hospital was all I needed to push my plan into action. I'm leaving and never looking back. Who knows what New York holds in store for me? I start up the car. Suddenly there's a bang against my window. I turn to see Sharpay pressed against the passenger window. I quickly lock the doors, but she doesn't seem to notice. Her face is serious.

"Okay, Ryan, this is going too far" She says "I get the point. Now come back inside…seriously"

She still doesn't get it. I press the gas and speed away, leaving Sharpay standing in the middle of the dark road. Okay, forget about Troy and think about you're future. Broadway has always been your dream, so pursue it.

"Yeah, it's all gonna work out" I tell myself.

I whip around the corner and that's when I see it. An accident, a bad one. It's a truck and some other car that I can't make out from this distance. I drive slowly to the crash. Ambulance rolls a body into the back of the truck. As I get closer, I see the other car. It's completely trashed, whoever was in that, probably didn't make it. I mean, it would take a miracle to survive something that horrific. And it's such a nice car to, it's just like…Troy's car. Oh my god, that is Troy's car! I slam on the breaks and unbuckle my seat belt. I open the car door and run to the ambulance. As I get to the back I see Troy. He's out and I can't tell if he's alive or not. There are two men standing over him.

"Evans?"

I turn around to see the driver of the truck…Coach Bolton. This isn't happening. How could this happen? I open my mouth to answer, but Troy's dad is lead into the back of the truck. The guy in the blue uniform reaches out to shut the door, but I grab the handle.

"Wait" I say

"Sorry, only family members. Are you related to driver?" The man ask

"Um. I'm his..." I see Coach Bolton staring back at me, wondering why in the hell I wanna come with them.

If I tell him who I am, it would destroy him. Troy would hate me. I'm sorry, but I can't let this truck leave without me.

"I'm his boyfriend" I say

The man turns to Coach Bolton. Oh god. Troy's dad looks taken back, but slowly nods.

"Let him in" He says

I quickly jump into the truck and take a seat next to Troy. Oh god, his face. His face is covered in scars, along with his neck and shoulders and everything else that isn't covered. There's nothing but blood and I can't help myself. I let out a loud sob and the tears begin. Coach Bolton turns his head to me for the first time…and grabs my hand.

**Alright, for some reason, I want to end it here. But I don't think I will. I think I'm gonna finish this one. Alright REVIEW! (Please)**

**LUV YA**


	14. Give my regards

Chapter 14

**Okay so I've never really gotten around to it, so here it is: Thanx for ALL the reviews! You guys are way rad, thanx!**

Ryan's p.o.v

I refuse to believe this is happening. I refuse to believe that I'm sitting next to Troy's bed, while Coach Bolton paces the room. I've been telling myself over and over again that this can't be my fault I mean, I didn't give Troy the bottle of whatever he was drinking. He was drinking because of Gabriella, so if I should blame anyone, it should be her. Yeah, this is all Gabriella's fault. Oh my god, I did not just think that! I did not just blame a dead girl for Troy's accident. Oh my god, I did not just call Gabriella a "dead girl". I mean, she is dead and she was a girl. So technically "dead girl" is the proper title. It's shorter than "my injured boyfriend's dead girlfriend". God, were was he going? He was completely drunk, why would he get in a car in the first place? He was stable enough to drive, so he should have been stable enough to realize that Gabriella's dead, so he couldn't have been trying to go to her house. So where in the world was he going?

"So, how long has this been going on?" Coach Bolton asks for the eighth time.

"Almost three years now" I say once more

"So, he's not straight?" He ask "I mean…he went out with that Gabriella"

"Do you really think that's the most important thing right now?" I snap

He whips his head my way. That came out too harsh, he's probably going through as much as I am. I mean, he did slam his truck into his son.

"What I mean, aren't you gonna call someone?" I say in a softer tone "I'm pretty sure your family would want to know if something like this happened"

Coach Bolton shakes his head and plops down next to me.

"I'm not calling anyone. Can you imagine what everyone would think or say?"

"I'm pretty sure they would be more concerned with Troy" I say

"You don't get it. Everyone thought of Troy as the perfect kid, and he was supposed to grow up and be the perfect teen. He's not supposed to drink and he's defiantly not supposed to be gay!" He says

"What's wrong with being gay?" I snap

"Look, that type of stuff is fine for you and everyone else, but Troy's not like that. Troy's different, he's special, he's got talent and I'm not gonna let him waste it." He says

"Troy's no different from anyone else" I say

Coach Bolton throws his hands up in defeat. He turns his head to me.

"I…how…do you know where he was trying to go?" He ask

"No" I respond.

I never really thought about it until now. Where was he going? I mean, he knew Gabriella was dead, so he couldn't have been trying to see her, so where was he headed? Suddenly the silence is broken by a groan of pain. Thank God, Troy's not dead! I rush to the bed as Coach Bolton rushes to get a nearby nurse.

"Troy?" I ask

Of course he's too hurt to even speak, but his eyes find mine. He lives. My deep worry is replaced with anger.

"What in the hell were you doing?" I snap "You could have died, you almost did die! I mean, god, Troy I thought you said you were never gonna even think about drinking again! Yet here you our, lying in a hospital bed, fighting for your life, and for what! Huh? I mean, what could be so important that you would risk your life!" I practically shout.

Troy reaches out and slowly grabs my hand. The look in his eyes tells me that he wants to say something. His mouth slowly opens.

"Troy, you don't have to…

"You" He whispers. "You're that important"  
Suddenly a doctor and two nurses rush in and once again I'm pushed aside as they lean over Troy, his hand still hanging from the bed. My heart races as I lean against the nearby wall. So I'm important now? Does that mean he was trying to see me? Does that mean, he still loves me?

Troy's p.o.v

It's been three days since the accident. The doctors said I'd be fine, besides the searing pain every time I move. My dad was the happiest I've ever seen him when the doctor said I would still be able to walk. He recommended that I stay off my feet, but Dad said I'm gonna be back at practice in a week. Whatever. I could care less about everyone else, I'm worried about Ryan. He's been here everyday, which means he's been missing school. His cell phone's been ringing non stop and yesterday, he threw it out of the window. I've tried talking to him, but he seems to avoid me. He sits across the room, biting the inside of his mouth, his eyes wandering around the room. He's thinking hard about something. He went to go get his car last night, that's when I realized he was there, at the accident. I was wondering how he got here so quickly. I hope he didn't see me when they pulled my out of the car. I don't remember much of anything. At the moment, the blonde nurse is helping me sit up in the bed.

"Thanks" I say

"No problem" She responds in her overly sweet voice.

Once she's gone, Ryan stands and heads towards the door. He's doing it again. He's running away from the problem.

"Why are you even here if you're gonna avoid me?" I call out to Ryan

He whips around.

"I'm not avoiding you….I have to go" He says

"Do you love me?" I blurt out

I expect him to say yes.

"I…I don't know anymore. I mean, I think I love you, but can you love someone who doesn't love you back? I mean, isn't that just a waste of time and…effort?" He asks

His words sting, the pain they cause hurts more than the scars and bruises.

"Someone that doesn't love you back?" I ask "I love you"

I want him to run back to me, to kiss me on the lips and make my pain disappear. But he doesn't.

"Do you really? I mean do you really love me, or am on your backburner? You told Gabriella that I was a mistake and that you only loved her, now that she's gone, you love me? It just seems that I'm your backup. Troy, I'm leaving" He says

"I…I guess I'll see you later" I say

I can't bring myself to say the truth…he's right. But I didn't mean what I said…did I? No, no, I love Ryan; I'll just have to prove it to him.

"No Troy, I'm leaving New Mexico, I'm going to New York, I think" He says

"What!" I yell

Ryan walks to my bed and grabs my hand. His eyes are puffy and red, he's been crying and I can tell he's about to start again.

"Troy…if you love me like you say you do, then you would let me go. I'm not happy here. You obviously are too confused right now. You need to….mourn, or whatever. You loved Gabriella, and you miss her and if I'm here…I don't know, I'll throw you off, or make you feel you have to choose" He says

It takes awhile for his words to set in. He's wrong…right? I mean, I did love her and I DO love him, I miss her, but I need him. Ryan doesn't wait for me to respond, within seconds he's gone. Gone. I can't stop the tears that roll down my face. Is that it? Is that the end, is it done?

**UGH! I hate the way I wrote this chappie! The original got lost and I re did it, but the magic's gone. So yeah, it's not the end, I've finally decided where I'm gonna go with this story.**


	15. you call that love

Chapter 15

**SORRY! I'm sorry I haven't updated! I've had…a lot of crap going on. Forgive me? Good, I mean, thanks. **

Troy's p.o.v

I think it's been about a week. Being in this stupid hospital sucks. Everyone wants to ask me how I am; they wanna make sure I'm okay. I can feel the sympathy fading and the guilt increasing. I've become a statistic. Another drunk teen. Taylor said people at school are starting to talk, and to make things worst, Ryan's no where to be found. Sharpay's been avoiding my calls, but Zeke updates me all the time. But mow that I think about it, I haven't spoken to him in awhile either. Everyone's really drained, first Gabriella, then me, now Ryan. Everything's falling apart and it's all my fault. How did I screw up so badly? I turn off my T.V and close my eyes. I think it's around noon, maybe later. I'm getting out tomorrow. It's something that I should be looking forward to, but I don't have anything to look forward to. My mom's freaking out, her little angel was drunk. There's so much she doesn't know and so much she'll never know. Maybe I'll go to sleep and hopefully I'll get a new nurse who'll overdose on my morphine and kill me. I'm quite the cherry thinker today. But I mean, what's the point? Ryan left me, my dad hates me, my mom doesn't even know me and the one person who's never thought anything bad about me, is dead. Is there any point to living?

As soon as I close my eyes, there's a knock at my door. Ugh, perfect timing.

"Come in" I call out

The door slowly opens and Chad steps in. Whoa, this is the first time he's come to visit. He has a dozen roses and a sad smile. I can't help the wide grin that spreads across my face. How could I forget Chad? He's the one who's been there for me, I'll live for him. He places the roses on my lap and kneels next to my bed.

"Thanks, but you know I'm not the marrying type" I joke

Chad lets out a laugh that I can tell he's been holding in for awhile. I move over slightly.

"Chad, sit down next to me." I say, almost commanding him

He gets up, but shakes his head.

"I'm fine, I don't wanna, you know…

"No, I don't know" I say

"Hurt you or anything" He says

His tone is awkward, seeing as how he's never really considerate of anyone but himself.

"Chad, I can't be more hurt than I already am" I tell him

He hesitantly takes a seat next to my legs. He bites the inside of his check and looks down at my foam feeling mattress.

"So, um…oh, school's going pretty good. Everyone's worried about you, and, yeah they miss you." He mumbles

God, I hate this, I mean what is this? Chad and I never have weird moments, we're best friends.

"They miss me. Do you miss me?" I ask

Chad's head shoots up

"Well, Troy, to be honest, it's not really that different" He says

I'm taken back by his response. What is that supposed to mean?

"I'm lost. What do you mean by that?" I ask

"Uh, nothing forget it. I miss you too" He spits out

"No, don't forget it. What do you mean it's not really different?" I ask, my voice rising slightly

"I mean…well, this whole year, we haven't really hung out…that much" He says

I drop my head, mostly in shame, but also to hide the truth in my eyes. He's right, between Gabriella, Ryan and basketball…I've forgotten all about my best friend, I abandoned him like Ryan abandoned me. Oh god, I hope Chad doesn't feel the way I feel.

"Chad, I'm sorry, I've just been….busy" I tell him

He nods slightly.

"Yeah, well, things are like that. Oh, did you hear about Ryan Evans?" He ask

Play dumb, Troy.

"No, what happened?" I ask

"He ran away to New York" Chad says

"Oh" I respond

"Yeah, well, I can see you need your rest, so I'll be seeing you" Chad says as he stands up

"WAIT!" I say

I need to tell him the truth; I need to tell him everything.

"Um, I already knew what happened to Ryan…I was kinda the cause of it" I say

"Okay, now I'm lost" Chad says

Okay Troy, just say it, here's your chance to prove to yourself that you're a man…don't be a coward.

"Ryan's my boyfriend" I blurt out.

Chad stares at me, and then he does the one thing I would've never expected him to do. He nods. My first response is that maybe he didn't hear me correctly.

"My boyfriend…as in like, gay. Like I'm gay" I say

"I got it" Chad says

"You got it?" I asked

I can literally feel my heart deciding weather to beat faster from fear or to stop beating altogether form shock.

"What? Was it supposed to be a shock? Hello, I might not have been at the party, but people told me what happened" He says

"But…I…you should hate me" I tell him

"I do. But not because you're a fag…I mean gay or whatever. I hate that you kept it from me, when I tell you everything." He says

My heart has made its choice, it decided to ache. Ache from the pain truth in his words. He does tell me everything, from his crushes to his wild dreams. And here I am, hiding the most important thing that's ever happened to me from him. So if he knows, then who else know? There were a lot of people at that party, does everyone know? Oh, god, has me dad known? Suddenly the feeling returns. The feeling that gathers in the pit of my stomach whenever I think of Ryan. It's this knot that gives me the urge to scream out his name. What do you call that feeling? Chad would know, Chad always knows.

"Chad…I…how do you feel about Taylor?" I ask

"I think she's got great boobs" Chad says

"I'm serious" I say

Chad shrugs his shoulders.

"I don't know, I mean, I like her…a lot." He says "I guess I love her, I don't know."

"If Taylor were to, leave, you know…die, how would you feel?" I ask

Chad oddly smiles.

"I don't know, what the hell kinda question is that anyways?" He asks

"Just answer me" I tell him

"Okay, uh, I guess I would cry and feel really shitty for awhile, and then I'd move on." He says with ease.

"See, I can't do that. I mean with Gabriella, I did move on. But with Ryan…I can't…I won't" I tell him "What do you call that?"

Chad stares at the ceiling for awhile and then shoves his hands in his pockets

"You call that love." He says

………

As we drive down the highway, I close my eyes and make a choice. A huge choice. Chad's driving me home, seeing as how neither one of my parents can stand the sight of me right now. He spent the night in my hospital room as I filled him in on everything from the night of the party to the night before he left. It amused me how little he knew about everything. Talking to Chad last night helped me make this choice.

"Chad…don't turn here" I tell him

"Um, this is our exit" He tells me

"Yeah, I know, just keep driving" I tell him

Chad let's out a loud sigh.

"Okay, do you wanna tell me where we're going?" He ask

"New York" I tell him.

**So tell me what you think. Please, I need the reviews. Seeing as how I decided to take a break from everything else, there's a good chance I'll update sooner.**

**Luv Ya**


	16. A lost kid who dosn't want to be found

**Okay, so I really need some reviews for this chappie. Thanx a lot for all the other ones I got!!! Luv Ya**

Troy's p.o.v

As we walk down the crowded streets of New York, I wonder why Ryan would ever want to come here. It's crowded, it smells, it's filthy, everything's too fast and no one seems to be in a pleasant mood. Maybe there's some hidden charm behind all of this, which Ryan finds appealing. Whatever. We continue to walk until Chad stops.

"What?" I ask

"Troy, we've been walking forever and my legs are killing me. Let's stop somewhere…please" Chad pleads

We make our way into a nearby restaurant. Chad, he's such an awesome friend. I mean here I am, searching for one person amongst the millions and he's right by my side. He got grounded in advance when he told his dad where he was at. I still remember his face as his dad yelled numerous curse words and threats. He's gonna have it pretty rough when we get back home…if we get back home. The hotel room we rented last night, caused my to spend all of my money and we've been starving since this morning. I refuse to eat; I refuse to spend Chad's money. He's already done enough. After about ten minutes of awkward silence, Chad finally breaks the ice.

"Look, maybe you should call Sharpay again" He suggest

"I already told you, she said she's as clueless about where he might be" I say for what seems like the millionth time today

Chad scoffs.

We both know that she's lying. She's most likely the only one who does know where Ryan is. He probably told her not to tell me where he was. Suddenly my phone rings. I already know that it's one of my parents. They have been calling non stop since I told them I was in NY. I pick up the phone.

"Hello?" I ask

"Um…Troy?" The voice ask

For a second my heart begins to speed up, thinking that it could be Ryan. But I know Ryan's voice, and this isn't it.

"Hi, Jason. What can I do for you?" I ask bitterly.

Jason is the last person I need to hear from right now. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically, and the sound of Jason's voice is about to cause me to break down all together.

"I heard you were looking for Ryan in New York" He says

"You did?" I ask, trying to sound as rude as possible, but it's not working.

"Yep, it's all anyone ever talks about, now" He says "Everyone's counting on you."

Great, just fucking great. As if I didn't already have enough shit on my plate. The last thing I can handle is pressure, and Jason knows that. If I don't come home with Ryan, then I'll not only be failing myself, but I'll be failing the entire school. Did Jason just call to fuck with me? Without thinking, I slowly take the phone away from my ear and flip it shut. Shit, my entire concentration is thrown off now. Focus Troy; don't let the pressure get to you. But it's too late. My mind fills with the disappointed faces of everyone. Shit.

"Troy?" Chad asks, breaking me from my little nightmare.

I shake my head as if it will get rid of the images and thoughts.

"Yeah?" I ask

"My legs are feeling better, you ready?" He ask

He can tell that I'm distracted by the phone call I just got. He's trying to get my mind off whatever was making me so angry. He stands up and stretches his arms out.

"Let's get going" He says.

I stand up and let him lead me out of the restaurant. Okay, time to focus. Find Ryan.

-------- Its night and all we've found was more buildings, more streets and more people….none of them were Ryan. Chad slowly opens the door to our hotel room and the cool breeze hits me. Once inside, I collapse on the bed. This is too much. It's time to be realistic, what are the chances that Ryan's just gonna pop up somewhere? I mean for all I know, he could've changed his mind and decided to go to California or something. Why did I have to screw up so badly?

"Troy?" Chad ask

"Yeah?" I ask, keeping my face buried in the pillow.

"I'm gonna go out for some food…I'm starved" He says

I don't respond, but the sound of the door lets me know he's gone. Fuck!!! God damnit, I'm so fucking stupid!! I quickly sit up. So many emotions are rushing through my mind right now. Anger, fear, pain, confusion, depression, everything. I don't know weather to scream or to cry. God, I'm so fucked! I miss everything about him. That's when it sets in….I might not ever see him again! I mean, he's in New York City by himself….for all I know; we could be dead in some back alley, or drugged up and laying in some abandon building. He could've never even made it here. He could have run out of gas and had to hitchhike!! He could've been lying to everyone, just so no one would find him, maybe he's not in NY, and maybe he's still in Albuquerque, hiding at someone's house. Yeah right. Suddenly there's a knock at he door, before I can start to think of all the horrible things Ryan might be going through. I rise from the bed and go over to the door. It's Chad. I swing open the door. He's got a crazy look on his face, which tells me something might be wrong.

"What?" I ask, panic starting to rise in my voice.

"You have got to come look at this!!" He demands

He grabs my hand and pulls me from the room, down the hall and into the elevator. As we slowly descend, I notice Chad's still holding my hand. Before I say anything, the doors slide open and Chad pulls my out. We run through the lobby, through the revolving doors and out to the cold parking lot, it's then that I realize that I'm not wearing any shoes. I don't remember taking them off. Together we run across the parking lot, past Chad's red car. Suddenly Chad comes to halt.

"Look!!" He exclaims, pointing to a car.

No, not just a car!!! THE car!!! RYAN'S CAR!!!!! Ryan's HERE!!!!

"Oh my god" I whisper

"I know!!! Look at that car, it's the same one I've been begging my dad to buy me!! Remember…you said you wanted to see it….here it is!!" He almost yells

Are you serious?? I have to let out a small laugh.

"Chad!!!" I say

"What?" He ask, his eyes still focused on the car

"Do you know whose car this is?" I ask

"No, but I know I want it!!" He says, still smiling.

"Chad!!! This is Ryan's car!!!!" I exclaim.

Chad whirls his head back to me.

"Really??" He ask

"YES!!!!!!" I almost yell, from excitement.

I grab his shoulders

"Do you know what this means?!!?!" I say

"Umm….Ryan has a nice car???" He ask, honestly lost

"Ryan's here!!! In this hotel!!!" I shout

Chad's eyes widen.

"Oooohhhhh….yeah, well I guess that's good too." He says

I shake my head and smile.

"Come on, we've gotta find him" I say

------- Together, we rush back into the hotel, avoiding all the stares from the arriving or leaving guest. We get into the elevator and Chad reaches for button, but stops.

"Where are we going?" he ask

Good question. We don't have time to waste, so we should probably split up

"Let's split up" I say

"And look for clues?" Chad ask

"What?" I ask

He smiles.

"You know…like on Scooby Doo, let's split up and look for clues." He says

"Chad, this is probably the worst time to make a joke" I say

"Right" He says as he reaches out and presses the first and second floor buttons.

The search was on.

I'm on the seventh and last floor. All right here it goes again. I run down the hall, knocking on every door, hoping that Ryan will be behind one of them. All I get is angry women in robes and groggy men, in boxers. I reach the last door and my heart sinks. I know Ryan's not in here, and Chad would call me if he found him before I did. I know it's pointless, but I take another knock on the door. No answer. I turn to walk down the hallway; my head hung low and my feet dragging. I make my way to the elevator, past the still fuming guest.

"Sorry" I mumble as I press the button on the elevator. I take one look back to see if maybe Ryan's behind me, slowly sticking his head out of the last room. No such luck.

I let out a deep sigh. Whatever….I'm done. I mean who does Ryan think he is? Did he honestly expect me to search all of New York for him? Well, he's mistaken. I've got better things to do than look for a lost kid who doesn't wanna be found. The elevator arrives with a small ding. I keep my eyes focused on my bare feet. I hear the doors slide open.

"Troy?" a voice ask

I don't have to look up to know who it is…I don't have to, but I do. And there he is…Ryan.

**Well, I know this chappie sux, but I still wish you guys would review it. I'm sorry about to long waits, but, school and everything else takes up a good chunk of my time. But I hope people are still reading the story.**

**Luv Ya**


	17. Now you know i can't let you go

Ryan's P.O.V

I slowly step out of the elevator and stand directly in front of Troy. He just looks at me with this kind of blank stare. The scars on his face are slowly healing and his left arm is still in bandages. He shouldn't be up and about, he should be in bed. I know, I'm supposed to be shocked and surprised by Troy…but the truth is, I knew this would happen. I knew he would find me, of course he would find me. I knew it was gonna happen but that doesn't mean that I wanted it to happen. I meant what I said at the hospital. Troy's eyes scan my entire body as if he isn't sure that it's me. I'll admit, I do look a little unrecognizable. I don't dress the same; I don't feel the need to. I didn't wanna wear the costume of the high school queer anymore. So in a fit of over dramatic rage I threw all my clothes into a nearby dumpster. My entire wardrobe is from the cheap thrift stores now. Troy's eyes travel up and rest on my hair, my jet black hair. I couldn't look in the mirror and see that same old blonde, stupid baby Ryan anymore so I dyed it. I was a different person now, I was in a different city, I wasn't the same old Ryan anymore and I wasn't gonna fall for the same old shit. That life back in New Mexico was toxic, it was killing me and nothing is worth that. Not even Troy…ugh I don't mean that. But I have to start believing that I can live without Troy. Being here has showed me that there's so much more to life then worrying over a guy.

"What are you doing here Troy?" I ask

Troy looks taken aback at first and then he reaches out and touches my hair.

"You dyed your hair" He says

"I did" I respond dryly

"I like it" He says

I push past Troy and walk to my room and I can hear Troy following me. I push open the door and walk to the bed. Troy locks the door behind him and sits next to me. He just keeps staring at me and now it's making me angry. Talk to me! Explain what's going on! The truth is, I'm not angry that he's staring. I'm angry because I'm not angry. I should be pissed off; I should be telling him to leave. But I can't do that, not to Troy, I love him. I love him so much that I left so that he could forget I existed and move on with his life. Coach Bolton was right, he does have a promising future and I would screw that up. It hurt me to leave but I had to, because I love him. It made sense at the time but as soon as I got here all I could think about was Troy. He had my heart and I wasn't getting it back. I tried to make myself feel better by saying yes to every guy that hit on me, but all the sex in the world couldn't make me feel better. By the end of the day I was disgusted with myself and with this city. I wanted to leave but I didn't have the money, Sharpay called me today and told me that dad found out that she's been wiring money to me and he took away her credit card. She didn't tell him where I was, because she doesn't exactly know, no one does…so how did Troy find me?

"Troy" I say "Say something"

"I love you" He says

"Don't do that" I say "Don't pretend everything's okay"

"I'm not. Everything's horrible, things couldn't get worse, but I still love you" He says

No, don't fall Ryan. Just stay focused, put on your poker face and keep it cool.

"What are doing here Troy?" I ask yet again

"Why do you think?" He ask

"How did you find me?" I ask

"I don't know" He says "I guess it was fate"

"Bullshit" I say "Who told you?"

"No one knows where you are Ryan" He says

Troy stands up and cocks his head slightly.

"You didn't say you love me too" He says "I said I love you"

I stand up to and get in Troy's face

"Of course I love you" I say "That's why I left!"

"This isn't the way you treat somebody you love, especially after what I've been through. I drove here, you know that? I came all the way from New Mexico to New York just to find you!" He says

"I didn't ask you to!" I snap "I told you to leave me alone!"

"This is the warm welcome I get ?" He yells

"I didn't want you to find me!" I yell back

"Why?!" He ask

"Because!" I say

"Why?!" He yells

"Because it fucking hurts!" I yell

Silence. Troy's shoulders drop and he steps back, he doesn't look angry anymore.

"What hurts?" He ask, softly

"Everything!" I say "Being with you, not being with you, fighting with you or fighting with myself because of you…it hurts and I…I just can't do it anymore."

I plop down on the bed and put my head in my hands. I can't do this, I can't be strong anymore. I hate it here! I miss my home! I miss my sister and my friends and I miss Troy. But I can't go back there! I can't! Is this it? Is it gonna be between feeling lost and alone in New York or feeling hurt and depressed in New Mexico? Are those my only choices? I hate this feeling, it's confusion and anger and sadness and frustration all wrapped in one and I can't take it. Coming here was the biggest mistake of my life, and I mean that. I feel scared twenty four seven and if something happens to me, I wont have anyone to help me or even care. I feel the bed move from Troy's weight as he gets behind me. He wraps his arms around me and places his head on my shoulder.

"It's alright" he says

"It's not, Troy" I say

"It will be" he says "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I just, I'm so happy to see you and I thought you would have felt the same."

"I am" I say "of course I'm happy to see you, I just can't do it. I can't go back to that place with you Troy"

"Then we'll stay here" He says "Forever"

"I hate it here too" I say

"Well you just tell me what you want and I'll make it happen" He says

"Troy, I hurt you. I left you alone when you needed me the most" I say "How can you still want me?"

"I hurt you too and you forgave me" He says "I love you and there's nothing you can do that's gonna change that babe"

"Troy" I say

"Don't" He says "Don't think about it, don't talk about it. We'll figure it out, I swear I will never hurt you again. I swear to God, I'll never choose anyone over you again. Just forgive me, baby please, just give me another shot. I know I fucked up, I always fuck up but I'll never fuck up again if you just let me back in. I'll be the guy you deserve."

The tears start to fall and I can't control it, I wish I could stop but I can't. Troy's gotten to me again. He still loves me and after all I've done. This was it, my sign, my answer. Me and Troy were meant for each other. I love him and he loves me. Ryan and Troy were meant to be.

"I love you Ryan Evans" He whispers in my ear

I turn around to face him, he's crying too.

"I love you too Troy Bolton" I say

And with that, Troy pulls me to him and our lips meet. God, it's been awhile hasn't it? Troy's tongue meets mine and it's like I never left. I feel like we're kids again, I feel like we're in my bedroom, behind the curtain in drama class, in the empty locker room…it feels like our first kiss all over again. Troy pulls me closer and I grip his back. Troy pulls away and looks me in the eyes.

"I love you" he says

"Prove it" I say


End file.
